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New journal, new journal!! I'm now maintaining my life at: DriftWood
Hi, I'm morgaN. This is my page. Here are the instructions:
First, you should get to know me. Enjoy!
11-22-2000, 5:14am
Since I've already started posting to it, I really ought to put up a link to the new journal, huh? Presenting: DriftWood!!! Be aware that I'm still working out some of the details, so things might change a bit, but it's very much a working entity. Enjoy :)
11-20-2000, 3:46am
I spontaneously threw together a new page that I think looks really slick and has some nice features. I'm planning on having it replace Persiflage very soon. I'm excited! :)
11-19-2000, 4:16am
Interesting night.. Anyway, so Lana, Laura, Courtney, Ted, ??? (what was her name??), and I crammed into the girl-who's-name-I-forget's car and off we went. The back seat was truely a tightly packed affair. Eventually we reached some Manassas battle field and pulled over. I don't know how long we actually spent there, and hour or so?, it was quite a while. Lana brought up chicken fighting (one legged bashing into each other) and so I challenged her. This was not something I had done in many, many years, but I know I have relatively good balance and stamina when I bother to summon it. I took her on and quickly conquered, then Courtney fell before me, then Laura fled in terror. Then I think I took Lana on a few more times. I think I did well. Eventually Lana changed the rules, so that I was still on one leg and only using my upper arms to push, whilst she was using both legs and her hands... She grabbed me and hurled me to the ground several times, but I still thing I did pretty good. Courtney and I did our knee-fight thing, where we cross our legs lotus style (?) and then run at each other on our knees; there's not much rule beyond the basic premise. I'm sure we were entertaining. We generally (particularly me) bounched about and made merryment in the cold, overcast, night field. T'was much fun had by all. Eventually we returned, for a while driving really slowly while a car behind us with very bright lights matched our speed; it turned out to just be a pickup though. Back home, being Courtney, Laura, and I who returned to the house, I fixed veggi-burgers for the three of us, after receiving much praise from Courtney over who well I prepare them. And fulfillment was had by all. I was quite sated (saa.... tan!). I wish Laura good rest for the next two hours, and then at work shortly there-after.
11-17-2000, 2:08am
Wow, I've worked three days now! I'm working again tomorrow, at 3:30pm,
which'll probably be my regular starting time (though once noone's
training me with anything I'll be somewhat free to come in whenever I
want, so long as I work enough hours). I'm definitely getting used to the
work quickly. In fact, I'll probably be pretty much solo tomorrow. I'm
going to be rearanging the psych section; and I'm actually excited! :) In
general I'm going to be pretty much on my own with this possition, basicly
figuring out what areas most need attention and then giving it to them.
Wow, morgaN self-motivating? Crazy..
I think I should start writing down my thoughts more often. I don't mean
like with this journal, I mean my philosophical, etc musings. I spend
enough time creating intricate theories (and sometimes even pretty amazing
simple ones), I really ought to record them somewhere outside of my tricky
grey-matter. Actually, I guess I could throw them in here more often; I
just tend to be in a different mindset when I get around to updating this.
I think I'll put my journal in Smudge and maybe rant to it during my lunch
hours.
11-15-2000, 12:06am
Started work at Borders today. I worked 9am to 5pm, which meant I was up early and hit nasty traffic each way. Tomorrow I start at 1pm; much more to my liking. After a couple hours of requisite paperwork and policy walk-through, I actually got started with what I guess I'll be doing the bulk of the time. Basicly, in the back I help to sort the books coming from hundreds of boxes into huge shelves, by subject code (Borders has its own proprietary subject-coding system, which takes a moment to get used to, but isn't really too complex in nature). In the actual store, I fill the shelves with the sorted books, ideally just alpha-by-author, but many sections have lots of sub-subject breakdowns which I'll have to get used to. Relatively straight forward stuff. Oh, I learned that I'm full-time; wow, I'm like a working-man, huh. I get some cool benefits (I forgot my employee manual, so I don't know precisely what they all are) including health care stuff, paid vacations (eventually...), 401k whatever.. The bits that stood out to me were the 25% discount at all Borders (and 33% at all Walden Books!) and a monthly $30 allowance towards product! Yah cheap(er) books! Also, I gather I get free coffee and tea and cheap soda from the cafe, but I'll need to look into that a bit more. Additionally, there's some sort of book loan program, which I also need to look further into. It's sort of tedious, but I figure eventually it'll just move to being monotonous, and that's not so bad for someone who likes to philosphize all day. And today alone earns me $50! Hot damn!! The con this past weekend was excelent! Quite mellow. A bunch of the people whom I normally hang out with were, alas, not in attendance. I met a new guy, Travis, who's got dreads and caught my eye as soon as he entered. Basicly, he's a very inteligent stoner. And he was the only one in my small audience who seemed to actually understand the rant I went into about dualities determining experience and the individuals ability to intentionally choose the dualities they function under; in fact, he even liked what I had to say and wanted to hear more. Yah :) I also met Lily and Bree, who were new at the last con (LDC, a couple weeks ago, when I was in New York). They were much fun to hang out with, and Lily and I got into some deep conversations on any number of interesting topics.. BeckaB0O ("Crouching Rabbit") and Silent Bob and I ran about outside being secret agents of some sort and all caught up in pine trees while hiding as people arrived; this being after we made sand castles in the bit ash tray thing outside. I brought my day-glo laptop, which was fun to show off, and people enjoyed DJing through my mp3 collectiong. Anyway, very much fun was had, but it's hard to describe it all. Just a great overall atmosphere.
Actually, the con left me wondering where I could get a nice big
house, which all my friends could move into. We could have different rent
setups; like personal (and shared) rooms for people who are willing to pay
more, and then large dorm areas for anyone else, whether those residents
be perminent or transient. I think often enough we could just crash in
cuddle puddles all about the place. Also, we wouldn't have con rules
:) Oh yeah, on Sunday, after I got back from the con (and still quite sleep deprived), Davin came over and we got more work done on Comfort. We put up curtains over the entrance area, which helps to almost fully keep the light out and gives it that nice enclosed feeling. We also hung a long thing of white fabric across one of the walls, to a bit below halfway down. I'm planning on making an excursion to Home Depot when I have some free time, to look into more (powerful) blacklights.
11-10-2000, 4:54pm
I got the job! Yah! :)
11-10-2000, 2:36am
Back to Home Depot today, while they were open. My mom got some
replacement florescent bulbs for the kitchen light fixture and I got
overwhelmed by the choice of paints. Black was easy and we found a good
gold too. What had caught my attention, though, were the florescent spray
paints! I ended up getting a red-tinted orange. I'm now waiting for the
final touchups to dry and beaming, as I have the coolest looking laptop!
Hodge (that's its name) is bright orange (and looks soo cool under black
light!!!) with a hollow black pentagon on the lid and a golden apple, with
black unmbra, in its center. I'm proud :) I just rebleached my hair. The stuff I used, however, was much weaker than what I used before. So now the dark half of my hair is a light, sort of auburn but not really, color, with mildly dark patches. It's certainly interesting.. :)
11-9-2000, 2:56am
Why is it that a Coke I had last night tasted like 7-Up and the one I'm having right now tastes just like Dr. Pepper?? Is someone trying to mess with my head? (And if so, is it me? (And if so, did I simply forget?)) I really wish Logan's Sanctuary were a real film; that would rock my world so hard!
11-9-2000, 1:03am
I went to the "24 hour Home Depot" about an hour ago, only to be confronted by new little signs in the doors which list the hours as 5am to midnight, everynight. Damn. I really want to get some black and gold spray paint. Oh well, perhaps tomorrow. The job interview went really well. I talked to Brent, the assistant manager, for a while. For the next step they're supposed to call me back and have me talk to a different manager, but he decided to just have me talk to him right then. So we talked for a bit and that went well too. I also had to do some phone-based questionaire thingy, where I'm asked 80 questions, mostly yes/no type, to try and gauge my ethics. It took like half an hour. Brent said he'll call me back tomorrow or the next day. It all proceded with a very good feeling and it seems like I've most likely got the job :) .......... eeek!
11-8-2000, 2:57pm
Wow, whodathought little ol' anarchist me would get so caught up in the election?; but I'm seriously hooked! This is actually exciting!
I got back from the dentist just a moment ago. I woke up just in
time to drive there, this being my first time going on my own. They're
planning on filling two of my mollars or wisdom teath or something. At the
moment I haven't got any fillings. Oh well. 2 hours to job interview. I need food.
11-8-2000, 5:05am
(I see that Davin has been doing it too..)
11-8-2000, 3:39am to 4:31am
[by way of explanation: brought my laptop into the TV room, these are my thoughts as I follow the news] 3:39am 20 mintues ago they said that Gore is trailing Bush by only 565 votes in Florida! At 99.87%. Ghads, this is insane!! I'm enjoying NBC, the staff keeps laughing off camera. Tom Brokaw has gotten a tad silly. They keep focusing the camera on figures that the anchors are working out on whiteboards and the backs of their reports. I'm going to watch this through. I'm excedingly glad that my job interview is for the evening and not the morning. We're looking at a 500 vote difference now and they're making me stress (well, sort of anyway), but we've still got a potential 30,000 absenty ballets!! Did Gore just take Wisconsin back? What is going on!?! 3:45am Hahhahaha, Gore called Bush and took back his concesion phone call!! That's so beautifully cruel! :P
These poor news and political folk; they're so tired! And what am I supposed to make of the dead guy who got elected!? Hail Eris!! 3:51am Brokaw is awesome. 4:00am Sweet; they took Florida back from the Bush dynasti (for now, anyway)! :P 246 Bush - 249 Gore
They keep flashing the anchor's white board which reads: 4:08am Hehe, the Gore supporters keep cheering the Democrat's Chairman guy (Bill Dailey) whenever he speaks of uncertainty. I can't imagine how excited they'd get if he took his coat off... Geez, both parties have really crappy music. Yah, Florida is uncolored again :) 4:13am 50,000 absenty ballets!?! This is never going to end... 4:19am I think that Gush and Bore should both just take a nap. 4:24am
1210 votes apart now. The Florida election guy estimates that the absenty
ballets are only a few thousand. Brokaw needs sleep too. Shutup Don Evans! You're getting ahead of yourself (I hope so much). 4:31am
Do I have a dentist appointment in 8 hours?
11-8-2000, 2:19am
fuck that's all there is to it.
4 years? fuck (How many other journalers updated within 15 minutes of us?)
11-7-2000, 4:17am
That metalic blue jell-roller pen that I had been bitching about, since I
couldn't find it and was thus unable to complete the job application for
Borders for about a month (the logic worked in my mind, anyway), was
indeed in Courtney's possetion! I knew she had taken it. And what's more,
she also had my metalic green pen and had almost completely used up
the blue one!! Grrrrr.. and of course, AArrrrrghrr! Speaking of Courtney, she's finally finished a site, which I've put online for her. Now you have yet one more STF member site to waste your time with. Oh, I haven't forgotten about the syncronicity rant and I still want to write it, but I'm way too tired right now. Actually, that doesn't seem right, some of the best rants are influenced by sleep deprivation. But regardless, I'm not inspired enough just this moment. Gotta sleep, big day tomorrow, waiting in line and pushing a couple buttons behind a curtain. Maybe I'll pretend to be the Wizard of Oz while I'm voting, that'll make it more fun, and the other voters I scare might be amusing too. Ahhh, something to look forward to.
11-6-2000, 4:50pm
Borders just called me! I have an interview Wednesday evening, and it sounds very promising. It turns out that the night crew doesn't presently have a supervisor, and as a result can't be in the store when it's closed, at night.. The result is that they're working during the day, for now anyway. I gather that there are presently two shelvers and there are supposed to be four, so this possition is quite open. So long as I'm generally just scheduled between Monday and Thursday I don't really care what my hours are. Hopefully it'll work out :) So, I've decided I'll vote for Nader tomorrow. I know I talked about favoring the Libertarians before, but I think that realistically Nader would do much better for this country at this time (not that either of them has any chance of winning whatsoever, this year). I still agree (in some sense) with a great many Libertarian ideals, but I'm affraid I don't think they would work out so well in this nation, what with the people inhabiting it.. I think I'll write up a mini rant about my recent thoughts on coincidence/syncronicity later.
11-5-2000, 2:00am
Late last night some jerk started using my mail server to relay spam. I'm really pissed off about this. He's mass mailing crap about viagra and hijacked my computer to deliver it! Anyway, I've been working on better securing SendMail, but it's a bitch of a program to configure. I've also been dealing with the hundreds of bounced messages, which were sent to addresses which don't even exist. It's not been pleasant.
Davin came over last night, along with a coworker. We slouched about in
Comfort with the fun lights on and stared at the trippy screensaver I
setup on my laptop and listened to the one song - some trance by
Astral
Projection - which I've downloaded to it, on repeat. We were indeed
comfortable :)
11-3-2000, 3:28am
First off, condolences and sorrow at our world's recent loss,
Sneakers. Today was pretty slow and boring. I managed to get the first piece of "ceiling" up in Comfort. It's actually a disassembaled cardboard box with a length of carpet on top of it, which Darcy and I staple-gunned to the wooden beams running the length of the ceiling. We're hoping to insulate sound, and so put this under an exposed air duct which goes into the living room above us, and right over next to the TV in that room. We'll be adding more boxes and attaching cartons and styrofoam to them. Davin and I will probably work on that tomorrow night. I don't know how effective this'll actually be, but something is better than nothing (I hope). (While in the basement I demonstrated the problem to Darcy by saying, at the same normal volume I was speaking to him in, "Hey, Mom..", and getting a response from her - in the kitchen. ) Also, I've suddenly become interested (once again) in assembly language. I don't expect to become a guru at it any time soon, but I want to be able to do some fun stuff. I think the catalist (this time) was a screensaver I downloaded to my laptop last night, which flows through a vast assortment of "psychedelic" eyecandy. I'm staring at it even as I type this. I want to be able to pull off these relatively simple but truely stunning visuals myself! Oh, and on the topic of the laptop, I've named it Hodge, which is often associated with the Order aspect of the Discordian Sacred Chao (podge being the Disorder). I figured that a computer tries to be a creation very much founded upon systems of order. I'm planning on painting a golden Kallisti apple inside of a pentagon onto the casing. Oh yeah, while I remember, I bought the cutist little (about a centimeter tall) golden apple in New York! What a strange find. Hail Eris!! :)
11-2-2000, 3:20am
I suppose today qualifies as successful... I finally submitted my job application to Borders!, for the Night Stalking possition. (Now I really hope (sort of..) that I actually get the job..) Yah! :)
11-1-2000, 1:58am
THE funniest trick-or-treaters came by tonight. Three neighborhood teenagers, about 15 years old, maybe (Courtney said she used to babysit one of them, the hockey mask one). I don't know what they were on but I should've asked where I could get some. They came by right after a group of little kids left and I handed them some candy. The alien faced one was intrigued by my piercing and I let him slide it back and forth; they were amazed by my tattoo; they had trouble accepting that my hair was real. The alien face started making out with the lid of one our jackolanterns. Then the demon face started singing/chanting a vague naration of what was going on. One of them spotted a garbage can on it's side in the yard and exclaimed that it was a keg. He got them all chanting "a keg, a keg.." and then they looked at us (Courtney joined me for a bit, standing there and being amused) then pointed at her leg; I don't recall if he chanted "a leg" or if I just expected them too, but he did start saying "pants, pants, pants.." and pointing back and forth between mine and courtney's pants. They went on like this for a while, sometimes actually forming full sentences, continueing the naration untill they reached another word which they enjoyed repeating. Then they all ran off to the garbage can, shouting "a keg! a keg!". They brought it back up to the porch and mused over it for a while, then each proceded in turn to dry-hump it in some way, with great enthusiasm. The demon put it over himself and the alien started shouting "SHUT UP!". Hockey Mask looked around manically. The demon took the can back off and started shrieking. Then they all turned and ran off, still shrieking and shouting "SHUT UP". It was the funniest performance I've ever seen :) Alright, I should talk about the weekend. So, as mentioned before, I borrowed the red station wagon and drove to New York to visit Sarah P. First off, the tolls were insane; I payed like $15 each way (Courtney commented that when you also figure in gas costs, taking a bus actually is pretty reasonable for an individual). I was following directions from MapQuest, which worked very well for leading me to New York, but completely sucked once I actually got there. I got off the New Jersey Turnpike and went through the Lincoln Tunnel, from which I was supposed to exit on to 21 St. As soon as I came out I was overwhelmed by the huge buildings, bright lights, impatient traffic, etc. I had a choice between two roads and no time to make it; alas, neither of them mentioned 21st. I got onto one of them and drove for a while, still very stunned. Finally I pulled onto a side street and parked by a payphone. Sarah was amused that I didn't know if I was in Queens or Manhattan or what. Turned out I was in Manhattan and needed to get to Queens. With the aid of a map, she gave me directions to the Queensburough (sp?) / 59th St. Bridge. I followed them as best I could, wrestling with the surprisingly abundant - and agressive! - traffic for 4am, and eventually managed to find the bridge and get across it. There again I was confronted with choices which were clearly not what I was after. I went along with it, trying to spot something useful (what that would be, I don't know) and suddenly found myself driving through a building! I really don't know what the deal was; it was still a road, but there was a wall on one side, a tall ceiling, and either pillars or wall on the other side; and the road was frought with 90 degree turns around corners of wall, not something to be taken quickly, regardless of the impatience of the taxis. It was surreal. I got out of there and drove around and called Plotkin again (did I call her another time, as well?). I was at around 46 Ave and wanted to be at 23 Ave, so I tried following them down, but was confronted with a wall and a T-junction at about 43 Ave. I decided to just drive around with out any real order involved and did so for about 15-25 minutes, when I suddenly found myself directly in front of her building! I have no idea how I found it, but I did! Anyway, 10 minutes later I was parked (too close to a fire hydrant apparently; damnit!) and entering her building. It was great to see Sarah again, it'd been like 5 months! We brought in the gerbils and sat around talking for a bit, but shortly went to bed and couch - as appropriate - it being really late. Oh yes, she lives with Mike, whom I had met before, and he had a friend visiting as well. We caught a subway (actually, Sarah lunged into the closing doorway and fought with it violently until it opened back up to admit us) and went to meet Hugh (who was staying with Brett) in the city. We wandered about, shopping for costumes. The stores we went to had huge lines, but we persisted and got in the smaller line for the smaller store. Eventually we were admited. Sarah went straight for this black spiderweb patterned, fishnet-like top, which she purchased along with a tiara. We went to a massive used book store and split up within. I went to the occult section, where this sort of old dude and I made social recognition. He told me he was looking for books on time travel and asked if I'd ever traveled through time. I conceded that I was not aware if I had. He told me that he used to be a skeptic, until he did it, but I shouldn't worry, I'm young and have plenty of time yet. I love meeting interesting characters like this. On the way out, we came across each other again, and he said something very cool, along the lines of "happy travels" or "safe journeys" or something. Sarah and I returned to her place to prepare for Brett's party. She wore the top over just a bra, and had a long black skirt and black boots and such. She was, if I recall, a wicked queen/succubus. I put on my green military pants and coat and my paratrooper jump boots, along with a High Times tshirt and a tie-died headband. Plotkin and I came up with various explanations, eventually I was something along the lines of: a Knight of the Five Sided Temple, one of the millitary Orders of Discordia; or perhaps I was an infiltrator thereof; or perhaps it was reversed; or both. Anyway, we were running late and went with it. The party was much fun. Just as I hadn't seen Plotkin in 5 months, I'd also not seen Brett or Eve in that time (though honestly they're less prominent figures on the who-I-really-care-about scale that any of the other former residents of the House in Ithaca). Mike and his friend (Adam, correct?) showed up just after us. Their costumes were identical, consisting of a mask - with facial coverage like that of one worn by an avenger such as Zoro - which had some sort of brown fur lining it's top and dangling down about a foot on each side. I don't know why, but the masks were really unsettling (I was very tempted to track down someone selling them and buy about 30, for purposes I won't go into right now..). Sarah quickly tracked down the alcohol, which consisted of a cooler of beer in the bathroom. We each grabbed a Corona and she showed me how to open the bottle (though I'm sure I would've figured it out on my own...). Sarah and I mostly mingled with each other and the few people we knew. I think that we have a tendancy to do that when we go to parties; ahh well. As the party thinned out, we noticed that a bunch of people had amassed in another room, watching a TV with bizzare fixation. We went to investigate and learned that they were watching a video that one of them had made of a bread machine in action. For some reason we joined them. The dough turned round and round.. then it stopped.. then it sat.. and we sat.. and it sat... This went on for an amazingly long time. Then people started talking about polotics of abortion and I quickly made my escape. I was intercepted outside of the kitchen by a girl (I think she lived there) offering me an icecream mudslide. I graciously accepted and conversed with her and the others present for a little while. Then Sarah and I got into a discussion of the weird sort of drunk we were both experiencing; very clear headed and in control, just somehow "different", but certainly enjoyable. In fact, all weekend she and I seemed to be in pretty much the same mental space as the other, be it silly or vague or.. well, actually, usually just vague.. but specific varieties of vagueity, which we both shared. Oh, and I finally got my laptop from Hugh, which was exciting. Back at her place, Sarah seemed in an odd, introspective state. I decided to see where it could go if I started playing with her head. She actually managed to venture to a wonderful awakening place and took on this new energy toward life. I have "moments of lucidity" all the time now, but this seemed to be a pretty big, dramatic one for her. She recognized that she seemed to have been "asleep" for the longest time. I tuned in to her mind space and found memories of sitting on the long brown couch in the living room in the house in Ithaca. I said something like "but we're not on that couch anymore, we're on a totally different couch in a totally different place, at a totally different time", without really explaining what I was refering to. It seems I'd tuned in well, as she immediately sat up straighter and looked around the room and started talking about how that was so weird!, that she was there in Ithaca and then suddenly she was here in Astoria!, that this was indeed not the same couch! Wow, how'd I pull that off?! We followed this line of thought for quite a while. She seemed rather distressed that she hadn't felt "awake" in the past five months. I told her that most people aren't awake like that, at least not for long. I tried to keep it clear that regardless of her apparent lack during the previous months, she'd latched onto it now and what she needed to focus on was keeping it. Eventually we both had to crash, but I left her with a couple techniques I'd come across (but tend to forget to use...) for maintaining an expanded conciousness of ones daily life. Namely I told her to go over, in her mind, everything that had happened that day. Restrict it to that day, but make it extensive and precise. I later explained that it's an easy meditation to lose track of and she should try making an intentional association between it and a late night activity; she decided to try focusing her thoughts on associating the practice with brushing her teeth; I hope the association holds. The other thing I brought up was something I'd learned from a couple really nice guys I met at Burning Man. Basicly it consisted of, again, thinking about the day and saying "Today was a very successful day". It's a great way to reinforce a possitive attitude. I've brought it into my own life recently and am starting to see it's real potential. If you can't bring youself to say that it was "a very successful day" (and one certainly can't always say it), particularly if it's consistent day-to-day, then you've got to realize something needs to be changed. At any rate, we decided that we'd had a very successful day.
As this post is becoming rather immense and it's becoming increasingly
later (not much I can do about that one..), I'll end it here. Besides, I
need the rest; I'm affraid today and yesterday haven't been as successful
as I would like and hopefully I'll be able to build up the strength (not
an issue I feel like going into) to submit my job application
tomorrow.
10-30-2000, 5:21am
Quick note to say I'm home again. I'll talk about the amazingly wonderful
weekend after I've had a chance to rest; t'was a long drive and a longer
couple of days.
10-27-2000, 8:20pm
Courtney just had me laughing so much I wanted to vomit. I'll be leaving to New York to visit Plotkin shortly.
10-26-2000, 11:52pm
My logs show that several government people have followed a link to my Burning Man journal recently; that's kinda creepy... Davin has moved in to STF! Expect continuous renovation from his page for a bit, it's brand new. Finally started work on creating a Discordian/Chaoist/morgaN ritual. Been meaning to do it for a while, but now I've actually started brainstorming and stuff. I want to make one that can be used at church or a con or something, perhaps during "worship" time. I also want to make some for outside groups. I really want to start getting together with people regularly in a setting not directly tied to the church, as I'm getting tired of the restrictions it attempts to impose upon group functions. Then I want to begin my subversion therapy :)
10-25-2000, 7:39pm
I feel so huge when I let the gerbils run around my room!
10-25-2000, 6:39pm
I need a costume for halloween. I'm going to New York to visit Plotkin,
finally, this weekend! Brett is having a costume party on Saturday
which I've been told to attend. Alas, I don't know what to wear. Current
thoughts are an angel (my mom's got an angel costume I wore two years ago,
and it'd go with my halo-hair (for some reason my mom really seems to
want to make me wear a dress)) or Shaggy, of Scooby Doo fame. If anyone
has any other ideas, any at all, please
tell me! Oh, and just now at dinner, Darcy was telling me about a friend of his who reads this journal. I have no problem with this, of course, it's just kind of weird to have one of my brother's friends know what's going on in my life. Ahh, but I'd never discourage weird.
10-24-2000, 10:48pm
Wow, I'm getting all these hits to my Burning Man journal suddenly, and they're coming from a page on the Burning Man web site. Right on! Smudge's new muffler arrived yesterday! I assembled it, which, for the most part, wasn't difficult. I backed Smudge into the bottom of the driveway, rather than try working on it in the street. There are six nuts which I needed to remove to get the old muffler off, three on each side. After working on it for a couple hours, I'd only managed to get two of the nuts, with another two stuck tight and the last two barely accessable and also apparently stuck. I tried working on it some more today, but I simply couldn't do anything but slowly round off the corners, which is far from usefull. Defeated, I decided to take it to a muffler place and ask them how much it'd cost to have them install it. My mom drove to Middas in her car, with me following. They wouldn't have any trouble getting the old one off, we were told; that's what torches are for. But, after waiting and waiting for someone to be available to look at, I was soon met with another defeat. It turns out the muffler I bought doesn't have a catalitic converter, which it seems I need to have. However, they say that there's no reason I can't drive around with it as is, without the tail pipe, but I won't pass inspection, when the time comes. So much trouble.. My mom called the place in Arizona that I bought it from and talked to the guy who owns it, who remembered talking with me two weeks ago. He said to find a garage which isn't a chain and we shouldn't have any trouble getting them to install a converter on the muffler I'd ordered and then installing it for us. This was good to hear, at least I'll be able to use my new muffler eventually. Comfort is really coming along. During the weekend (Saturday?) we got lots of carpet! We raided some carpet installer's dumpster and loaded the van. On Sunday Davin and I got to work setting things up. We got plastic drop cloths to protect the carpet in case the basement floods, which we laid out over the entire Comfort area. Then we laid out the rolls of redish/pinkish carpet on top of that. With the rest of the red/pink and our one chunk of white, we made a walk way from the bottom of the stairs to the back corner where Comfort is. We took the two matresses which were in the garage and laid them out, touching on their short ends, and put the final bit of carpet, a really big, ugly, sunbleached, beautiful orange thing, over them, making a sort of catwalk/moonbounce type of thing. And finally, we brought down my futon (leaving a big empty spot in my bedroom) and put it against the wall in couch-mode. Since there only seemed to be one power outlet in the basement and that not being in a very convenient spot, I decided to install a new one, bringing about another visit to Home Depot. Fortunately my dad installed the provisions for power outlets once upon a time, but they're in the "ceiling"... I went with it, and chose a spot in the ceiling in Comfort's back corner to install a socket. Darcy and I were unsuccessful at isolating which circuit breaker goverened that length of power line, even after flipping breaker switches. I was feeling impatient though and decided to install it anyway. I did end up getting shocked two or three times, which isn't a pleasant sensation, before we found some rubber gloves. At least I made sure to always have someone present when I worked on it, in case I really fried myself badly. But ultimately, nothing terrible happened and I seem to have done a perfect job. Yah! So now we have somewhere to plug in the black light, strobe, lava lamp, neon flower, xmas lights, etc... It's quite comfortable for hanging out in already, but there still is a bit to be done. Namely: finding more soft furniture; setting up a computer-jukebox; finding pretty sheets/cloth to cover the walls; creating and installing sound insulation in the ceiling. Regardless of all the stuff left to be done, I'm confident; we've come along with this so much faster and with so much more success than I ever expected :)
10-23-2000, 2:41am
As I mentioned the other day, I was sick all week. I finally started to recover around Friday. Altogether it was unproductive and unpleasant. Oh well, such is life.
Last weekend, however, was wonderful!
Hugh was here! He and Laura
and I went to Blockbuster and argued about what to get for a very
long time. Finally we decided to get what we were holding, and quickly ran
to switch our tapes with the ones we really wanted to see.. We spent the
rest of the day watching those in my room, followed by laying in a heap on
my bed. I miss the house in Ithaca... Eventually Laura had to head home
and Hugh and I went to bed. I had marks on my neck that lasted all week..
On Sunday we walked to Lake Anne Plaza, where I spend not nearly enough
time. At the cafe there was a black man in a fancy suit. All about him on
the floor, with his slick black and white shoes at the center of the
umbra, were strewn lots of roses. It was a beautiful image. Then we made
a long visit to the great little used book store and on to Pirates Cove
("arrrgg!!"), where small time merchants setup their wares in little-bitty
shops, to be managed by a central agent. Hugh bought some extreamly hot
sauce (Death Sauce, was it?) for a friend, from the hot sauce shop. We
went to Mr. Moo's, the ice cream place at the very back, where Margot and
Ricky and I had spent about an hour talking with Mr. Moo. He recognized me
immediately and soon asked where Margot was (the two of them are really
amusing in converstaion together..), for which I had no good answer
(Margot, where have you disappeared to?!?). We ordered a big, strong java
ice cream (he makes the ice creams on the spot!) and suddenly Courtney was
with us. She ushered us to the car and then chauffeured us to Borders,
where we rendezvoused with Lana and began our observations of Laura in her
natural working environment. Eventually the subject caught on to our
presence and began throwing snide comments in our direction. Something
about Laura always seems to make me want to bounce about and smile and
sing (if I only knew the words)! :) In the evening Hugh and I made those
wonderful Vanashing Oatmeal Raison Cookies. MMMMmmmmmmm!!!! They went
pretty quickly. He and I spent the rest of the night figuring out how to
play Illuminati NWO (a collectable card game of which I have thousands of
cards and virtually no experience playing..), creating a deck each, and
finally battling each other for world domination. The game was great,
fraught with paranoia. He won quite well in the end, but I did okay
holding my own for a while. We managed to sleep for a very few hours and
then had to get up to return him to the bus station, from which he
departed on his return trip to Ithaca. T'was a good weekend :) Later, I'll write about the major progress with the comfort zone; right now I'm in dire need of some rest.
10-22-2000, 3:37am
I have various things which I feel I ought to write about, but I really don't feel like doing so right now. It's late and I'm about to collapse. I did want to quickly mention a few things which have been on my mind recently, though. Hopefully my friends won't all start avoiding me after reading this... I really don't want to vote for Bush or Gore. I'm finding myself more and more favoring the idea of a government system resembling more of an anarchy than what would normally be thought of as a government. Until now I figured I'd vote for Nader, since that's who Courtney tells me I should vote for, and friends seem to agree. With those three as the only options, Nader would most definitely get my vote. Recently, however, I've been considering the Libertarian Party. My mom and sister have issues with them; the Libertarian's don't work towards healthcare and social security and other such good causes; certainly a downside. However, they really do fit better than the others what I really want from a government. What I want, ultimately, is to have the government stay out of my business. I want to be able to do whatever I choose, so long as I don't infringe on anyone elses right to do whatever they choose. I don't want to have the government spending my money on what it wants; I ought to be able to spend it on what I choose. That doesn't mean I'm against charities and research and other wonderful causes, I simply don't think that anyone should have the right to choose for me which causes my work is going to support. I'm afraid I'm probably not arguing this very well, but bear in mind, it's almost 4am and I've been sick. There's also the matter of "throwing away my vote". I think that it's disgusting that our system has us using such a phrase so often. Everyone should vote out of choice, not out of fear; that defeats the whole purpose! I want to vote for what I believe in, not against what I'm afraid of. Realistically I'm well aware that neither the Green nor Libertarian parties have any chance of winning this year (or for many decades to come, probably, at least with the Libertarians), but any vote for a third party demonstrates that there is support beyond the two virtually identical dominant powers. I'm so sick of both Republicans and Democrats. I think I made this point better earlier, when talking with my mom. Oh well, my inability to keep my eyes open for more than 5 seconds at a time is my excuse. Oh yeah, the other thing on my mind. I've just now been reading the Republic of Texas website. Regardless of my opinions of the culture and history of Texas, I really have an affinity for these Nation of Texas folk. They are trying to establish Texas as a nation in itself and in fact treat it as such already. Their government system appears (though I haven't delved too far) to be very much like what I've been talked and thinking about. They don't govern what people do. They do, however, enforce personal responsibility for anyone who infringes upon anyone elses right to do as they please. An example they give is that they have no speed limits (and extreme example to give, in some peoples minds, I imagine) (nor any seat belt laws) and people may drive whatever speed they choose. However, if they cause any damage they are entirely responsible for making retribution. I can easily see people shying away from such a system as it really is approaching anarchy (but not quite..), but it appeals to me a whole lot lately. Anyway, I'm very literally about to collapse and I consider that a good sign that I ought to be in bed.
10-19-2000, 11:41am
This is just a quick note to show that I haven't disappeared or anything. I've been sick since monday night; my throat hurts beyond belief!! Anyway, it's making me grumpy and I really don't feel like writing much more just now. Hopefully I'll recover soon.
10-13-2000, 4:19pm
My head smells like vanilla! Oh man, having a smell I like so much coming
from my own head is just amazingly happy :) Gah, DopeWars and Tetripz are - appropriately - seriously addictive! Must stop playing... eyes aching... head drooping... scores improving? I swept the whole basement today. I'm not sure if that's ever been done by anyone. It made my nose hurt. Hopefully the cats won't pee all over the place to bring their scents back (my mom thinks that the moment I put furniture down there they'll all run up and pee on it, or something. whatever..). Is my putting so much effort into this comfort zone project an expression of my subconciously accepting the appearant truth that I won't be traveling for a while? I really don't want to accept it at all, but more and more it's looking like I won't be able to head out until spring. I feel like gagging when I remember that it was my intention to 'head out in spring' a year ago. Oh well, I suppose I'm imposing these constraints as to when I ought to leave upon myself; silly Discordian, what am I thinking? Lost myself in reality once again, I guess. Inspired by the satired cliche "reality is just a crutch for those who can't deal with drugs" (hehe), I've been contemplating my own variation: "reality is (realities are) just a crutch for those who can't deal with freadom". I think it's an interesting train of thought to follow. Ultimate freedom would involve being removed (or "trancending") from all of ones convictions. And of course there would be no way of communicating back the experience of true freedom, because it would necessitate escape from constrictive symbol-systems, including language. (I wonder if I could develop a bridge between this idea and some goals of gnosticism..) I can't decide if such a level of freedom would be desirable or not. In fact, I may have to come up with a way of looking at it that attempts to escape such dualities. I find the idea beautiful, if perhaps terrifying as well. I think that I could probably work this concept into a new paradigm relating to death and "after life"; one which I might even like.
Oh yeah, that reminds me of last Sunday at Church. I was chosen to be a
"guest speaker". We were supposed to split into two groups and I would be
the subject of one of them, but everyone ended up opting to listen to me
ramble. It was certainly unusual. I'd decided I would rant about my
philosophies and stuff and let them all throw in questions at any time. I
decided not to go off on Discordianism until people asked about it, since
I'd already done a workshop on that at a con a few months ago, and it
really doesn't define my "beliefs". Instead, I started out - very
awkwardly - trying to explain the concept of not believing in anything at
all. And then developing the idea that I accept things for
apparent (I used the word "apparent" a lot, as I tend to when I get into
my personal philosophies) convenience and entertainment, as an act of
will, basicly. I'm not going to go into it all here, right now, as it took
me quite long enough to bumble about trying to make some sense of it for
them. Maybe that was the problem, I've successfully developed my own
mental processes around my ideas to such a degree that I have a hard time
thinking about them from a vantage outside of their functioning; the self
aware computer; or maybe not.. I don't want to get off on that thought
train right now. Anyway, they did ask various questions and enough of them
(those not strugling too hard with staying awake; no blame of course, I've
been there myself) actually seemed interested in understanding. How happy!
So, I talked about choosing realities and paradigms to suit ones will.
Then I talked about my strong dislike of imposition of order and discused
questions relating to how that didn't mean I was against order altogether,
nor against accepting a system of order and working with in it for the
convenience it offers. I contemplated going into chaos magic and the
theories behind that, but I figured I wouldn't be able to properly explain
what they meant to me without my audience first understanding the
system(s) I'm applying them within. Anyway, this paragraph is probably
making less sense than I did on Sunday.
10-12-2000, 3:21pm
I've finally placed an order for a new muffler. I wanted to be quite sure I was getting the right type, with confusion increased by my '78 bus having a '72-'74 style exhaust system (I ought to check the engine and see what it really is). I called up Old Volks Home of Arizona (Ronnie's Garage) and talked to Ron. He said the exhaust system I was considering was "funky" and he wouldn't recommend it. Good to know. He told me what model he thought I should get, which had been my second choice. Since he actually has an understanding of these parts and these vehicles, I took his advice and placed an order. Yah! So, that's another $80 Smudge is costing me, but at least I'm not spending $200 to have a shop order and install it.
I need to figure out where to get furnishings for the comfort zone and
actually get them. I've got all sorts of fun ideas for lighting and sound
and stuff, but I really ought to work on the actual comfort side of
it.
10-10-2000, 12:51pm
I've made the spontaneous decision to create a comfort zone in my basement. The amazing thing is that I'm actually working on it; working hard! Davin came over yesterday and was surprisingly eager to help out. We agreed that the back peninsula (what used to be the play area, with lots of toys and stuff, so many years ago..) would be the perfect place. It's certainly big enough, but isn't too open, with walls on three sides. We began moving some boxes out of the way and quickly discovered that as a result of the last time the basement flooded (it was months ago, and only happens once or twice in about two years time; and it's not like a flood, just a wet floor in some areas), the bottoms of all the boxes in this area had become moldy and stuck to the floor. It was really nasty and smelled vile. We pressed on. All those boxes quickly made their way to the street (trash pickup being the next morning) along with all of those stacked above them. We rescued lots of styrofoam in the process, which we figure can be spray painted and attached to one of the walls. We sprinkled baking soda all over the slimy, moldy gunk on the floor, to absorb the moisture and opened a window and burned some regular incense cones to deal with the smell. Davin stayed the night. We had my blacklight on and fun visuals on my computer accompanied weird trance music. We had some crackers and listened to a helicopter and bounced about playing with stuffed animals. We burned some strong incense, which he thought smelled really funny. I got into one of my strange philosophical rants. Eventually we crashed. Back to work on the basement in the morning. We swept up as much of the nast as we could. Then we mopped the area with hot water and bleach, which worked really well. With all the crap seperated from the floor finally, we again sprinkled the area with baking soda. Then we went out to the Salvation Army to check out couches. I want to make the area intensely comfy and ultimately loungworthy. We've got two matresses in the garage which I'm planning on putting down as part of the floor. We may seek out carpet from dumpsters, depending on how much floor space is likely to actually remain. Salvation Army had some great couches, several were definitely comfy enough to qualify, and a couple were long enough (seven feet of sitting area, I estimated) to be very appealing. The prices, however good compaired to new furniture, we're still more expensive than we would've liked, generally ranging from $60 to $150. It was suggested to me that I try other locations in less yuppy territory. I returned Davin home to go about his life and I came back to continue work on the basement. I managed to sweep away all the rest of the grunge! The area is stained a bit, but so's the majority of the basement floor, from one thing or another. Then I went about dealing with boxes full of stuff. I've thrown out a whole lot of it (it's gone for two years down there untouched, no one's going to miss it), as in several very full large boxes worth. By throwing stuff out, and cosolidating and sorting things, I've managed to get rid of like 9 big boxes today. I'm very impressed with myself. Courtney is very impressed as well, that I'm actually doing something. I'm eager to have all this completed; not so much because I mind the work, I'm just very excited about having my own comfort zone! :)
10-6-2000, 1:14pm
Last night I did this personally modified version of Carroll's Gnostic Pentagram Ritual. I altered it to include a meditation on "lust for results", to help me focus on the present moment and not on the expectation of another moment. I think it went pretty well; I'm getting better at directing my focus arbitrarily. I took a brief break for some water (all that mantra stuff!) and to do a little bit of setup for further upcoming meditation (such as turning on the blacklight and finding my lighter and other supplies). Then I performed a basicly unaltered version of the ritual, with more conventional "banashing" intentions, to help bring my mind back from distraction. I burned some strong sage incense and lay back on my bed for the final meditation. I found myself assalted with concepts I don't have words for as my reality became an ocean of illusions. I managed to calm the ocean and focus on traditional symbols, such as the pentagram, chaos star, and eventually the sacred chao. I particularly put attention into the chaos star, seeing it (as I enjoy doing) beyond simple symbolic or sigil form, but as a complex concept of 5-dimentional existence. It was truely beautiful. It's nice to know that I can indeed excersize some level of mental control over this particular meditation. Any way, that's enough chaos magic junk for now. If only I wrote about it in my magic journal as much as I do here.. I've figured out what family of exhaust system I need to get for Smudge. Even though it's a '78 bus, the system it needs will be one intended for a '72 - '74 bus. I guess sometime in Smudge's past, the whole exhaust setup must have been changed around a fair bit. Anyway, I can find the types of muffler I need and recognize them as such, so now it's just a matter of picking which one I want (and then ordering it and then installing it...).
10-5-2000, 2:24am
Hmm, not too much has been happening. It would seem that when I drove into that ditch, I broke the tail pipe off my muffler. Now I need a new muffler. I've decided that I'm going to order one myself and then attempt to install it myself. This should save a lot of money and be an interesting learning experience; hopefully it won't take too long. Poor Smudge. I saw Jesse Jackson speak the other night at GMU. Courtney was covering the speach and interviewing people afterwards; I was just along for the ride. He's got good messages and all, but he's really a bad speaker. His rhyming thing is terrible, his hand gestures are lame, and his choice of words and metaphor (gods, the mixed metaphors he used!) were all just bad. Oh well, people enjoy passive participation. I was just talking with Laura N. She's a really fun person to be around. Conversing with her sometimes, however, can make me feel as if I were drunk and a stranger were attempting to explain some alien religion to me; I manage to continue to participate in the conversation, but every once in a while I realize I have no idea what they're talking about. This isn't always the case with her, and she's not the only person that can make me feel that way, I simply found it to be an observation that's arisen on more than one occasion after being around her. :) Hugh is coming to visit! He'll be visiting for the weekend of the 14th; 1.5 weeks from now. Hopefully he'll no longer have fleas... Meditating by engaging in absolute motionlessness, I've discovered, is best not practiced lying down with eyes closed while tired. Well, I guess that depends on desired results, actually. It can lead to some lucid dreaming, which is usually interesting. However, when I'm trying to journal my experience it helps to not be unconscious. I have been waking up with mental impressions set shortly before falling asleep, which I think is pretty cool; it sort of lets me pick up where I left off. I've been essentially off of soda for a while now. The other day I decided to treat myself to a Coke, but when I began to drink it, I found it relatively unappealing. It amazed me, considering that normally, when accustomed to receiving a regular fix, drinking some after being deprived for a while is a beautiful indulgence. But this time, it wasn't that big a deal and I wasn't too thrilled about the prospect of drinking the entire can of unhealthy caffein and carbonation. So, after weeks of not having a can, I only had about a third of my indulgance-can before returning it to the fridge. I'm proud of this, actually; I really succesfully broke the addiction and I feel good. :)
Other random thoughts: Oh yeah, I made cookies today. Oatmeal raison cookies. They were so good ("orgasmic")!! I'm going to have to make cookies far more often...
10-1-2000, 10:44pm
Church was boring today. Excessive planning, entirely reiteration of stuff we did last week at the retreat. Meghan's youth group showed up and she had to leave before the service was over, meaning we didn't really get to spend any time together. Alicia (sp?) also actually showed up today, but she too left before it was over, so I didn't get to talk to her either. Guh! Anyway, I remembered that today was supposed to be the first of our new monthly movie thing; where we watch not so mainstreme (or not at all) videos and then talk about them. Apparently I was almost the only one who remembered. Unfortunately I didn't have an oppertunity to mention it during our church group thing. I did talk to Davin about it, though, and he talked to (younger) Charley and we decided to go. But first I attended this workshop on Youth Adult Commitees being setup at UU churches. I hadn't planned on doing it, but I didn't have anything else to do before the movie thing and it turned out a bunch of old con friends showed up for it, so it was pretty cool. I drove to Marilyn's house with Davin and Sophie and we arrived just in time (actually, they started a bit late, because they knew we'd be late). The movie, picked by Michael, was Bulworth, a truely excelent film. We all enjoyed it muchly and discussed it and other politics and stuff and generally had good fun. While pulling out of Marilyn's driveway to head back home (others having gotten other rides) I overshot the somewhat narrow road just a bit.. and drove right into a ditch. I totally couldn't get out, with one wheel not even touching ground (I think) and the other spinning on wet grass. Crap. Michael hadn't left yet and tried to help, but couldn't get it. Then this guy who just happened to be out for a strole came along. It turned out he lived like two houses over and had a 4x4 with a hitch and strong rope. So he drove it up in front of Smudge, tied it to the tow hook (I didn't know all cars had tow hooks! That's so cool!), and slowly accelerated, while I balanced the clutch and put a little gas into first gear. And it worked! Smudge and I were plucked from the ditch posthaste. I continued on my way with little further trouble. I did, as I'd predicted, go the wrong way when I got on Route 7; but that road likes taunting me. The rest of the evening has been pretty uneventful.
10-1-2000, 1:26am
I drove up to Pennsilvania to get Meghan, as planned. The drive took about an hour longer than expected due to extreme traffic locally, due to construction. Other than that, a fine drive. I got to Meghan's house around 3pm and we made it back onto the road at about 4:30. She was somewhat overwhelmed by the fumes Smudge put out, in an effort to get us high as well (Smudge is always stoned; we even caught him toking on the drive back). Eventually we got to Reston and headed for the church (Davin's party was at the Fairfax Unitarian church). We were a bit late, almost two hours, but we made it and still had four hours to go. Davin was styling and sporting some familier mannerisms. Margot and I talked for a long while. We played wink (what a violent little game..) and I was paired with Margot basicly the whole time, which was great fun. Devon showed up and her and I bounced about and slid on the slippery wooden floor and such. Meghan spent a lot of time with this girl we hadn't previously met named Sophie (right?), who seemed rather flirty towards Meghan. Meghan was relatively flirty towards most everyone, but that's just the way she is :) And so we all got to hang out and have a good time. And then midnight came around and we had to head out. I was to drive Devon home and then go over to Davin's to spend the night, along with a few other people from out of town. I really wanted this oppertunity to spend time with Meghan; we rarely get to see each other (prior to the visit two weeks ago, it had been months). And then, I guess because several other people wanted to also stay over, Davin's mom (surprise, surprise...) decided noone but the out-of-towners could stay. Crap! That totally sucked. I'll see Meghan for a short time tomorrow at church, where she's going to be picked up by some members from her UU church who are down here for some other reason. But it's not what I expected nor at all what I wanted. And so we all said goodnight. Devon lives rather near me and so she climbed into Smudge. This was her first time riding in the bus and she appreciated it's quirkyness and aesthetic almost as much as I do! I tried not to wine too much about not getting to stay at Davin's, but she seemed to understand. She's very cool like that, and many other ways. As I've said many times before, her and I need to hang out more; we're super hero like when we're together. I dropped Devon off at her place and drove home alone. And now I guess it's time for bed...
9-30-2000, 12:44am
Well, I didn't end up going to the coffee place, perhaps some other time. Instead I went over to Davin's. First, we went to Costco with his parents to get stuff for his party tomorrow. That place is crazy! I think it would be a really entertaining place to be metally altered. Then Davin and I went to Subway (a 12" sub fits perfectly in my glove box!) and the rental place. We got Mission to Mars, which I'd wanted to see for a while. It didn't disapoint. It was pretty weird and rather unlike most mainstream movies. Finally a good modern sci-fi flic. Oh yeah, I've started journaling (on paper) my meditation progress. I'll continue with this log of experience as I go onto further chaos magic rituals. I'm currently working through Liber MMM, the student (Illuminates of Thanateros, 4th degree) syllabus in Carroll's Liber Null. I'm also playing around with some other rituals and techniques, with my own modifications. I don't exactly expect (usually) conventional magical abilities to arise from this. Rather, I think I can gain a lot of self discipline in reality, behavior, and belief manipulation, which is something I've been interested in for a while. That actually can fit quite nicely with a magical paradigm, givin the notion that "magic is believing". Anyway, I think it's interesting stuff and I'm having fun playing with it.
9-29-2000, 3:24pm
To go along with this meditation type stuff I've been doing recently, I've decided to try commiting to keeping a dream journal. This morning was to herald my first entry. I set my paper-journal next to my bed, opened to the right page and with a pen close at hand. I woke up and immediately remembered to do this, grabbed the journal, and started writing. I didn't allow myself to gain full conciousness, because I didn't want to forget my dreams (or activate my psychic sensor, as some magic theory would have it, and I'll accept that as another explanation). In fact, I kept dreaming and I wrote frantically to keep up with what was going on in my head. It was very cool and I was thrilled that I'd managed to make such a great start on this dreamlog thing. Then I woke up.... !! I looked over and the journal page was blank! Damnit, I dreamed the whole journaling thing! I guess I implanted the intention pretty well before falling asleep.. Anyway, I felt like I'd already been writing for a while and I didn't want to write any more; so I still haven't actullay logged anything. Oh well, maybe tomorrow morning. I think I might go to Jamie's General Bean tonight. Devon tipped me off to them on her journal a little while back. Tomorrow I'll be driving up to Pennsilvania to pick up Meghan and then it's back down here with her to attend Davin's birthday party. Yah! :)
9-27-2000, 11:23pm
I've finally finished it off and gotten permission to use names (from
those people I bothered to communicate with, anyway...). Now you may all
spend extensive time reading a huge chunk of previously secret
journal. Also, I swear I was sober at least half the time I was there!
The amount of drug use (...) that you may read about is in no way
indicative of my life in general. In fact, it had been months since I'd so
much as had anything to drink. Anyway, I just like to disclaim myself
since my mom reads this stuff (hi Mom!) and I'm afraid she thinks I'm
some sort of drug fiend. All you others can go on thinking that I am a
fiend; it's not true, but I find the image amusing. As for the sex; well,
I wasn't really a participant, so nevermind that.
9-26-2000, 10:10pm
I feel so special! Within less than an hour of getting back online I
already had 5 different people connect to this site! :)
9-26-2000, 7:12pm
Eeek, we've been offline for the past four days!!! Around noon on
Saturday, while I was still off camping with my friends, our connection to
Comcast@Home, our ISP, was
lost. Since returning home Sunday evening I'd been working diligently to
figure out what the problem was. My mom made many calls to customer and
tech support, almost all of the people on the other end being totally
useless. I was pretty sure straight off that the problem was on their end
or with the cable modem we're renting from them. Nothing had been changed
on our end; I'm the only one who could even make changes and I was away!
Regardless, I tried different network cables and a different network card
(fortunately my server has several cards in it and it's really easy to
swap configuration within Linux). For the reason that I run Linux, Bob
from tech support absolutely refused to listen to me and would not discuss
anything, not even their own hardware, because I run an "unsupported
operating system". I don't want support with the OS! I know how to run it!
I want support with their screwed up setup! We hooked the cable
modem up to Darcy's Win98 box just so that we could get tech support to
listen to us. Then, on the next call, I actually did talk to a nice,
inteligent person from tech who thought the other techs I'd talked with
were a bunch of idiots (and she's teaching herself Unix and recognizes
it's supperiority in areas such as networking). She ran what diagnostics
she could and saw that the gateway we were trying to connect to was
being a bit flakey. She managed to connect through it to our cable modem
and saw the the connection wasn't great, with about 10% packet loss and
the rest not being very fast. She ran some tool called "push"; the
impression I got was that it basicly floods the cable modem for a long
time in an effort to purge it's stale buffers and let traffic flow freely
(these aren't the best pieces of hardware we're dealing with here..). We
let that go for about an hour and then Darcy tried getting an outside
connection, but still couldn't get so much as a ping response from their
gateway.
The gateway we're supposed to connect to is at 24.18.166.1 ; our
attempts to ping it were unsuccessful . Our IP is 24.18.166.220 ;
which is what Darcy had set his computer up as. Out of boredom, Darcy
decided to ping himself (which is guarenteed to work, unless your computer
is really screwed up), but mistyped the IP as 24.18.166.110
.... and got a response!!! This really made no sense, as the
gateway (...1) is supposed to be the first computer we encounter and we
shouldn't be able to communicate outside without going through it and we
couldn't get a response from it. Regardless, this was kind of exciting.
So, playing off the absurdity of this random find, Darcy took a step
further and entered that number (...110) as the gateway... and it
worked... Anyway, if you've sent me any email in the past few days and it's bounced (I fear this is likely, since I run my own mail server and don't have a backup in place (yet..)) please resend it. I hope your regular fix of rants and ramblings hasn't been too long displaced and I'll do my best to ensure no further outages (Eris willing). I'll write about the retreat later, if I get around to it. Right now I'm just pleased to be reconnected.
9-22-2000, 4:36pm
Off to the retreat shortly; will be back on Sunday.
9-21-2000, 11:46pm
My mom suggests that I model nude for an art class at NOVA and she brought home a brief flyer about it. I find the idea intriguing; but then I remember that I have a tendancy to be intensely shy and easily embarrassed (I could make some embareassed pun here...). But it does go with my desire for making money without laboring. And it would be particularly amusing to have such jobs on a future resume..
9-21-2000, 6:49pm
I just bought yet another book: Peter J. Carroll's Liber Null & Psychonaut; I bought his Liber Kaos about a week ago. This new one starts with some immediate practical technique to chaos magic, meditations initially. Chaos magic is weird stuff; in a way it's not about changing the outside world, but rather changing one's own perception of reality (which works out the same, subjectivly, right?...). ("Magic is believing"; that hypothesis keeps coming back to me) Anyway, a lot of the theory that tends to go with it happens to mesh very naturally with the philosophy I've been developing for some time now and it's interesting to see where others take it.
Should I submit to medical testing? It'd be pretty cool to get paid for
being a guinea swine and be exposed to bizarre new chemicals... I ran into an old friend at the book store. We'd gone to middle school together and had only seen each other once since, a bit over a year ago. We talked for a while and I got to show off Smudge. A little surreal but somehow totally natural. Then on the way out of the lot, I spotted a van that must be related to Smudge; they look so much alike! This other one was the same color orange, but the upper area was white instead of biege and the spare was inside, and the paint was clearly much fresher. I wish I'd had a camera with me. I pulled up next next to it and admired it, with my own busses reflection in it's hubcap. So cute! I'm going to some UU church retreat thingy this weekend. I'm giving Davin a ride, along with a bunch of supplies and stuff. I bought a couple bottles of oil to make sure Smudge doesn't get thirsty (I've gone through two bottles in the past week or two...). This'll be my third such retreat and experience tells me it should be a good time.
Buffy the other night was great. It was the dream episode finale from last
season, which I'd only seen the second half of before. It was actually
really clever (though I grew tired and irritated at the cheese thing
before it even started..).
9-20-2000, 2:13am
I'm back! Actually I got back early this morning, but I've been
distracted. I was expecting to return home Sunday night (the same day I
left) or perhaps Monday morning, but Tuesday morning was just fine by me
and really shouldn't be a surprise considering my history of extended
visits..
9-17-2000, 7:10am
I'm on my way out for the day. I'm driving up to Pennsilvania to meet Meghan to attend the renaissance festival there. Should be a fun day, not to mention the drive there in Smudge...
9-16-2000, 6:22pm
Whow! I just had the most intense dream! It's not like some crazy action was going on, it was more that my mind was breaking. I had just been reading some chaoist's theories about the quantum mechanical nature of existance and the universe itself and then curled up with Beta cat the "wrong way" on my bed and fell asleep. In my dream I was still in my room, though there were differences; for instance I had a copy machine and I think I might have been on a couch instead of my bed. It was some sort of holliday, vaguely; something like New Years Eve, perhaps. My adult neighbor was sitting on the floor saying that the only reason he was here was because there would be pudding and he wanted to know when it would be ready (I ate practically an entire pack (4.5 servings; I think) of instant pudding last night, I think it screwed with my head somehow). Devon and someone else who I didn't identify were also sitting on the floor. My head was feeling all wrong and I couldn't properly focus on "reality". There was this crazy music, too. Actually it was pretty good techno, but kind of dark. I had some concept that alot of this crazy stuff was going on in my head, and occasionally realized I was dreaming. I would get up and sometimes run around my room, which I think was a bit larger, and then open my eyes and find myself still lying there; and I'd try getting up again.. and I could not escape the dream no matter how many times I tried. And I realized that I didn't have any music playing and I could control it's volume some of the time, when I focused on it. Sometimes I could even make it stop, but occasionally I lost control of it and it would get really loud and join in overwhelming me. Then I got the idea that maybe I had taken some drug and forgotten (I could certainly compare various of the mental sensations with certain psychotropic substances I'm aware of (I had a different dream recently which included the familier helicopter sound and impressions)). I started shouting to Devon over the growing sound - music and white noise - "what am I on?!" in hopes that she could help me figure out what was happening. All this was increadibly distressing - well, not exactly what was there to see, but rather my inability to get a hold of any of it; very trippy, in an anxious way. I managed to escape again, and they all disapeared and the music was quiet and the lights were different, but then a noticed a giant echidna type creature across my room; crap, I thought, I'm certainly not out yet. Then I realized it was actually Beta, asleep about 2 inches from my face; that I could handle. I quickly sat up and jumped out of bed and looked around and ran out of my room. I'm pretty sure I'm actually awake now.
9-15-2000, 5:30pm
Well, I was in a notably upset mood this morning. I'm certainly not over
being upset at the situation, but whatever... I let out some emotion then
drove to the playground near my park; where I used to go all the time with
friends so many years ago. It was really nice I, so I parked my bus and
just walked around the fields. Life is so beautiful. Some people really
don't get it though and they can be such a downer. I picked up a whole lot
of trash that careless people disrespecfully soiled the otherwise happy
and tranquil area with, and threw that out. That helped me feel better
about myself, that I could rise above the social programs that would have
me disregard other people's messes. I really don't think it should be my
responsibility to clean up after others, but I'm proud that I chose to
take on the responsibility to make things better. Then I sat on a little
ledge by the playground and sucked on a lollypop and blew bubbles (I knew
putting those things in my glove compartment would come in handy later)
for quite some time. I watched kids play, I watched clouds, I followed
the glint of the bubbles in the wind, I absorbed and was amazed and
rejuvinated. Hurray for life! Oh, and thanks so much to the people who emailed me! That really helped brighten things even more :)
9-15-2000, 9:44am
I want out!!! Why can't I escape this stupid culture?! So, do any of my readers have an excess of money they'd like to donate to the cause? Or perhaps we can avoid the system a little further and just deal in food and fuel? It's really hard to reform the system when it keeps kicking you in the head.
9-14-2000, 1:10pm
Oh no, I've got a job! What's the world coming to?! So, I got called back by the gas station manager a little while ago. Tomorrow I train with him from 9am-noon. My regular schedule, initially, will be Friday and Saturday nights, 10pm-6am. Those are around the hours I wanted, but I would've prefered they be restricted to Monday through Thursday. Oh well. I'm starting at $7/hour, which is more than I've made at any "regular" job in the past. That means that before taxes I'll be getting $112 each week; not bad at all. If I can add two more days to my schedule, I can pay my mom back in no time and build up a bit to spend myself. So come visit me while I'm working, people!; it's the Mobile at Northpoint Village Center, by Giant. Now, I really don't know what hours to sleep to prepare for this, but I think I'll return that task.
9-13-2000, 6:06am
Why am I so tired when I get up in the afternoon, but once it's been dark out for a while I'm more than wide awake? Sleep schedules don't seem to work with me. I was just out driving Smudge; ahhh, what fun! I'm definitely getting a lot better at it, though I'm still certainly not perfect. While out I saw another old bus of the same era as mine, painted red with a white upper area, and I parked to check it out briefly. If I'd had my notebook with me (as I usually do) I would've left them a friendly note. I went to 7-11 and got a donut and a slurpie. The woman working there didn't seem to comprehend my existence. I don't think I've really changed my appearance lately in any way that would cause me look more freakish to the "normal" populace; I've even been shaving somewhat more regularly which ought to help. Perhaps it's because I've been smiling so damn much, at everyone and virtually everything; maybe some people just don't get it, which would be sad. I talked to Aim-E on the phone earlier tonight, for like an hour. She's got such a cute laugh! Gah, sometimes I really wish this country weren't so wide... Out of curiousity, I following Davin's lead in signing up on MyOwnFriends (I'm easy to find, just search for "freak" within Virginia). It's sort of like a personals board; you post a little "ad" about yourself, throw in some keywords and maybe a photo (I like the one I used), and then people can contact you through their system, without actually being told your email address. I started to post some morgaN-style rant but then learned that my thing could only be 200 characters, so I made it brief and a little bit cryptic. I've alreay gotten three responses from people who say they like what I have to say and want to hear more. What an ego boost! So now I've started some little conversations with interesting strangers that I can have fun with when I'm bored; good stuff. Now, even though I feel like bouncing about and doing all sorts of stuff (I feel particularly compelled to start some sort of craft-type project, or maybe figure out how to make my own clothes), my body has been awake for quite some time and is eager to take a long break, so I guess it's time for bed...
9-12-2000, 4:31pm
I've been copying my journal stuff from Burning Man onto my computer and just finished. It's almost a third the size of this page! It actually doesn't even lead all the way to the end of the event; I never quite finished it. I'll make it public soon, but first I need to check with some people to make sure they don't mind my using their names. Let's see, what's happening with some of the people in my life: Ami (who you'll be better introduced to in the BM stuff (unless you are her, in which case introductions should be unnecesary...)) and I have been emailing each other lately and I plan on calling her later tonight. Meghan and I have resumed email communication again. I'll be giving her a ride down from Pennsilvania for Davin's birthday party at the end of the month and possibly seeing her this weekend if I can make it to the renaissance festival in Maryland. Hugh is perpetually busy and still in upstate New York. Laura is back in the area; her and Lana have been hanging out around here a bit. Laura said I may be able to get a ride to New York with her some time to visit Plotkin and pass along Hazel and Lilly, the gerbils. Devon has just gotten a job at new photo developing place. I need to check up on Nik. And then there are so many more...
9-11-2000, 7:20pm
Mowing the lawn is no fun. Debt is no fun. On the way to dinner out with the family, we stopped at the gas station I'm applying to. I went in and gave them my form. They seemed a little perplexed simply at the sight of me, but happy enough with my application, and will "get back to me". I think I'd prefer this job to the ice cream one so, assuming I get it, I'll leave the other one to Ricky. It'd be pretty cool to know someone working at the ice cream place, anyway :)
9-10-2000, 10:18pm
I've put up pictures of my bus! And I've named him Smudge :) I still certainly haven't mastered driving stick yet. Yesterday Davin and I were hanging out and while driving I suddenly realized I was in the wrong lane and couldn't merge before hitting the toll road. After driving along it for a while in plenty of traffic, I finally escaped onto Rt. 7. However, it turned out, I was going the wrong way. Of course, we didn't realize this untill I'd already been going that way and stalling at most of the lights and getting really frustrated with all the traffic. Finally I made a U-turn and started on the way back. There was lots of traffic that way too, and sooo many lights! I got stuck at one light on an upward hill for the longest time. The light actually stayed green for a really long time, but it was red when I first reached it. After the light cycled several times I finally made it through, but the intervening time I got immensely frustrated! I don't get frustrated very often, but having a hard time while driving is definitely one of it's causes in me. Multiplying the unpleasantness and making it ever harder for me to focus and regain my cool - necessary to the zen of VW manual transmision - were the absolute jerks on the road. There were two lanes, I was in the right hand one with my hazard blinkers on and my "New Driver; Please Stay Back" signs in the back window, and these people would drive up in my lane, with a huge amount of distance of relatively empty road before reaching me, stop immediately behind me, too close to turn to go around me, and then start honking. What the fuck!!?! If I even tried to move with them there, I would roll back into them - even if I succeeded! Insensitive idiots. Gah, some people amaze me with their increadible lackings in both love and sensibility. After I finally made it through there I was still shaken and had trouble at several further lights. At one point a cop happened to pull up behind me and got out to talk to me. He seemed understanding but a bit impatient, told me to get it going soon, and drove off. Davin and I were planning on finally going cosmic bowling, but I wanted nothing more than to be in my house and have a glass of water. Finally we did make it back to my house and I did get that water and that was great. Then we continued with our mission, this time in the red station wagen that I've actually had extensive experience driving. We made it to the bowling alley with no trouble at all and just a little bit before they got the cosmic stuff going. Yah! They turned off most of the main lights and turned on the spinning colored lights and the light chains between the lanes and started the wonderfully bad music. It was a bit brighter than I would've liked, with some regular white lights still on, and I would've liked a lot more presense of black lots, where all they had was over the counters and not by the lanes, but other than that it was really wonderful. We played three games over a good length of time, not rushing ourselves. Davin is like a "serious" bowler - he brought four bowling balls! Yet somehow I beat him in the second two games (not by much, though). We both had a whole lot of fun and I'll definitely have to do it again! Afterwards we came back to my house for a bit and hung out, until his dad called and said he needed to be home. So then we headed over to his place, probably at a bit past midnight, and played around on his computer for a while. Suddenly it crashed (and it's a Mac!) and when it rebooted it wouldn't accept his password (he had it setup in multi-user mode with only one account) and he couldn't get into his own system! He tried endless passwords but couldn't get in. He logged a couple other older Macs into it as guests over the network, but all they could do was access files and not change anything and he couldn't find any files which would clearly contain the password. Todays report, I believe he said, was that he did manage to fix it, but I didn't get any details. Eris was out in force last night and really testing our dependance on ultimately trivial material "possesions". Hail Eris; you divine bitch! Today was a great day. After church Margot and Ricky came over to my place so that we could hang out and I could drive 'em around (I rode to church with my mom this morning, since I was too asleep to drive myself). We hung out in my room for a while, just chilling and conversing. Then we got into Smudge (I'm digging that name). They both love the van! Everyone seems to love my van! Yah!! :) We drove down to Lake Anne Plaza, where I've only been once in the past like 7 years, though I used to ride my bike there all the time before then. Margot fed the ducks goldfish crackers she found on the ground and then walked about barefoot in the fountain. We splashed each other a bit with it's marvalously refreshing water. We went into Smugglers Cove (the pirate place!) which is like an indoor market for small vendors. We went to the very back where the notorious ice cream place is. There we got a cup of this coffee ice cream stuff that he made with actual coffee like one would put in a machine and a couple Oreos. It was so good! We sat on a bench directly across from the counter and conversed with Mr. Moo, the ice cream guy. After finishing the cup we got a much bigger cup of the same stuff, but with even more coffee (at our request). We were probably there for an hour, just hanging with the awesome ice cream guy. Finally, Ricky and I got job applications. I can't wait till I go back there again! Then we drove back to Margot's place and watched House on Haunted Hill. They both said that it's far more scarey than most spook/horror movies. I found myself laughing at most of it; though it wasn't a comedy. Ahh well, it was fun. Ricky gave me a ride on his moped to his place to get some money which he owed me and to get me to buy him some cigarettes. What a ride! I ought to get a moped and just stick it inside my bus; that'd make getting around little towns so much fun! Eventually, Margot had to study (stupid "school") and I had to head home. I made it back with virtually no trouble at all. Life is so beautiful! :)
9-8-2000, 2:36am
"A cautionary tale or a grim portent of things to come, I'll let you be the judge..." :) I went out driving earlier tonight, from around midnight till one, in my happy, healthy van. I drove around a few deserted parking lots and the roads between them, practicing getting into first, parking, and reversing. I stalled plenty of times and I got it going with big sudden lurches many times as well. And then I cleared my mind and focused without forcing any thoughts or actions. I started the van, put the stick in first, lightly fed the engine just a taste of gas, and ever so gently raised the clutch. At some key point along the clutches path I could sense the gears coming together smoothly and without strain. I could feel the van begin to move as I held the clutch in this tiny margine of comfort and serenity. And then, when the van asked me to, I fed it some more gas, let it take back control of the gears, and eased forward in symbioses with the machine. The subtlety involved amazes me. The perfect comfort I suddenly felt with the van was beautiful. I finally got it!
9-7-2000, 10:52pm
Wow, that was a sudden rant I burst out with earlier. I don't know what to make of it, it seems to be lacking a certain element of, umm, coherence and sense, but I guess that's the way most good rants are. Anyway... I got my van back today. The bill came out at $981. Ouch! I payed $600 and owe my mom the rest. *whinning*: I don't wanna get a job!... Ugh. At least it works now. Lee not only got the engine working properly but also bolted on the passenger seat belt clasp, got the side door fixed, replaced the dead head lamp, patched and filled the spare tire (for free), fixed the emergency brake so it doesn't pop off, and other such assorted wonderful tricks. He also pointed out to me many of the various hoses and other such things that can come loose, which I need to be aware if the car suddenly starts freaking out on the road.. So then, I got to drive it home, following my mom, during rush out on roads I don't know with many red lights. That was stressfull. I think I might take it out tonight, to get some more experience without the anxiety I experience when I stall a couple times trying to get through a suddenly green light with a compact behind me on an upward hill.. Why did I choose to drive around the country in a van, when I wasn't able to drive such a van and I'm affraid of traffic already? Ahh well, I'm still looking forward to it :)
9-7-2000, 9:52am
It seems it takes no time at all for this fucked up society to attempt to reclaim me and keep me subservient. What news do I come home to after a week of freedom and love? My van, which I'd not even had a chance to drive for more than a week, is still in the shop. It was supposed to get out 8 days ago (and how many days ago then?). It'll be released into my incapable hands this afternoon to attempt to return home with. Ahh, but first comes the payment. The cost having been estimated at about $600. The cost appearantly being closer to $1300; the amount I spent to buy the vehicle in the first place. My money in the bank being less than $1100. Why have people worked so hard to build themselves, and everyone around them, this cage from a peacefull life. They've installed booby traps so that even when you think you've escaped you're suddenly hit with a tax or a bill and beaten at untill you submit and convict yourself to a life of meaningless labor. Of course, the government's power exists by it's illusion of power. As long as they can fool most of the people most of the time, those people are their puppets. And the oppressed masses don't even recognize the overwhelming abundance of resources and "wealth" in this world being held by the system they serve; being held to ensure that they continue to rein and the masses continue to serve. If people just stopped believing in the illusion of power put out by the system, the system would begin to crumble. Not by millitant attacks on the system, that only furthers the bad trip societies been on for a very long time, but that's not necessary. If people just stopped struggling for control of others and stopped letting others control them, and instead took control of their own lives and left everyone else in peace, where then would be the conflict? We could finally begin to work together, instead of continueing to work appart. I'm so tired of being the victim of a society gone mad with an age old hallucination that doesn't hold up to even the slightest inspection by the most vaguely lucid of eyes. This system stinks. This system hurts people and keeps them from their potential freedom and happiness. This system is a fabrication propagated first by the people already benefiting and second by those that have been raised in an environment created by the "powers that be". There is no power anywhere. I want out. I've taken the first steps. I've recognized the situation and chosen for myself that I want no part of it. I don't imagine it'll be an easy trip from here on out by any means and I expect I may still sometimes fall prey to some of societies traps planted inside of me, laying still unrecognized and waiting. But I will attempt with all my will to shed myself of these straight-jacket illusory convictions I've been struggling with all my life. To rid myself of their control by dismissing their appearantly interminable order for the unproductive and in fact destructive bad trip that it is. . Okay, now I've gotten out a piece of the immense rant that's been struggling in me for more outward expression all day. Now I think I can get some sleep.
9-7-2000, 6:37am
I'm back! I got in a few hours ago. I'm not going to go into any real detail about Burning Man just now, but rest assured it will come soon. I brought my paper journal out with me to cronicle my adventures. Alas, I spent very little time in my tent, where my journal lay patiently. So to make up for it, while at the airport in Reno and on the first of three flights back to the east coast, I wrote about twenty pages detailing what went on between Friday and Sunday. I still plan on continueing with what happened between Sunday and Wednesday; hopefully not taking so many hours to write. Once I'm done with all that, I'll transcribe it to my web server. Then, I've got to contact a few of the people that I mention to make sure they don't mind my using their names in connection with certain "questionable" activities. But again I assure you, the story will be told. Perhaps by the time I make it public I'll have reworked Drift Wood enough to finally implement it as well; I think it would be an appropriate debut to combine this story with my new story medium. Anyway, I really should rest. Ahh but I'm still so energized! I've been smiling for the longest time now!!
8-29-2000, 3:15am
Ahhhhh! I'm psyched!! In like, less than 12 hours, I'll be starting my trip across this big ol' country. In less than 20 hours, I'll be in Reno, Nevada! Whew!! I'll have a new set of challenges when I get to Reno, in finding someone else who's attending and has a car or wants to rent one. I pulled it off last year though.
But last year I had Hugh with me. Unfortunately, he can't get out of his
obligations, such as work. I'm certainly saddened by that, I really wish
he could come; but I'm not going to stop being immensely thrilled myself.
Ahh well, it's hardly your last opportunity, Hugh. So, I've been somewhat busy today. I made it out to Target and bought myself a tent (phew!). A big tent. Like, a really, really big tent! It's 7 feet by 7 feet at the base and 5 foot something in height, at the center point. It's not as light as serious hiker tents, but I'm not hiking and I'm certainly not serious, so I think I'll be okay. It's cost of only $33 is yet another of it's excelent qualities. I also bought a new sleeping bag, so now I finally have one of my own. It's really nice and it actually is very light; 3.something pounds. It's "mummy" style, so I can have it totally consume me (very much like the way Hugh sleeps, with his blankets..) if it's really cold, and it's rated for down to 20 degree weather. It was also thirty-some dollars. I'm happy about it; I'll definitely be able to continue to make use of it in the future, when I'm adventuring in my van. My grandparents came over for dinner, which was nice. They're pretty cool. A lot of old people and young people, it seems, have trouble communicating and getting along through the differences in the lives and experiences they've led. I'm very glad my grandparents are so cool with us. They'll ask me what my tattoo represents and they've never insulted or reacted negatively towards my bridge piercing. They ask me about Burning Man and my various plans and every once in a while mention that I might want to consider college, some day.. Also, they have basicly the same sense of humor as my dad, which I appreciate. Yah life :) So, the rest of the night I've spent packing (except for a break at 1am to watch News Radio, of course!). I'm just about through. I've got my big black hiking bag containing my tent and sleeping bag, the clothing that's past my BM worthy inspection, and various bits of other camping stuff, like my tiny little stove and my pan and dish stuff, and duct tape (of course) and so on. That'll be checked as luggage (ghads, at it's size, I should say so! (err, and I guess I did..)) I've got my very spiffy couriers bag (which I got at Target a little while back...) packed very full of rations. I've still got a bunch of food littering the dinning room table, but it'll have to hold off for future adventures; I don't have room and don't want the extra encumberance. I'll have that onboard with me. Then I've also got my little Pochacco purse-bag (mentioned approx. two months ago). It's got a bunch of little toys and things, plus over-the-counter drugs and many note books. I'm also going to stick Illuminatus in there, so I can read on the planes and such. I really hope that this isn't prophetic, but I was at about the same place in the same book (but not the same copy) last year, on my way out to Burning Man, and, about 10 pages from the end (of the first part of the trilogy), it got stolen along with the rest of the stuff in my carry on backpack. (It's such a complicated book that I started it all over again!) I imagine airport security should be fun; and no, I'm not bringing anything that could "reasonably" get me arrested (though who knows what I'll encounter once I'm in the desert...). I'll have to take my neato keen communist flask out of my wicked slick soviet coat at the metal detector. Anyway, enough of this rambling, I've still got a bit of final packing and I really ought to get some sleep, too. I'll try to maintain my (physical) journal during this excursion and then I'll transfer the new content here in a little over a week, when I return. And so, TTFN.
8-28-2000, 11:50am
And now it seems that Hugh may be able to go to Burning Man as well, after all. After tragically planning for months to be working during it. Silly monkey... So, why'd I have to endure all that frustration? Things have worked out, after much effort and trauma and hard work and crap. But anyway, things have worked out, and for that I am glad. Good work, morgaN :) Appearantly the mechanic called (!!) earlier today, while I was still thankfully unconcious. He told my mom that we should expect the van to be healthy enough to be released from his care on Wednesday. Ghads, there's no way I could've made it to Nevada in time for any of the Burn if I left then. He figured out the problem he'd been experiencing with it, something to do with the carborator or something. I dunno, something totally non-fatal, that's the diagnosis I understood. And so, I'm pleased. I'll have a happy, healthy little van waiting for me when I get back next week. :)
8-27-2000, 9:00pm
I'm going to Reno!!! :) I did manage to swing some plane tickets through PriceLine. $268 with tax for a round trip on short notice; not bad. I'm going on Delta Airlines, I imagine in the cheapest seats available. I leave BWI on Tuesday (I really wanted to go Monday, but this was the earliest it would allow) at 1:40pm. An hour and a half flight to Cincinnati, followed by a four hour wait. Then, a three and a half hour flight into Reno, arriving at 10:30pm. I really hope I can find someone to get a ride into the desert with... I'll be returning on Wednesday, September 6. My flight out leaves at 7:20pm, stops in Salt Lake City and Atlanta, and gets me back to BWI at 8:00am the next day. I'll probably be leaving the desert on either Monday or Tuesday of that week, so I guess this'll give me some time to bum around Reno. That's cool; Reno's interesting. So, everything is real again. I'm so excited and I just can't hide it, and all that. Now, I need to get to Target tomorrow to get that tent. I need to figure out what food I'm bringing. I need to see if I can actually arrange to meet someone in Reno to ride in with. What else.. I need to return my library books. I need find a right sandle to match it's partner. I need to pack my stuff up into my camping bag and my couriers bag; all of it. I need to call Duane (we agreed to keep each other up on our plans). Yeah, so I've got things to do. Ahh, but I'm happy again! :)
8-27-2000, oops
It looks like I'm not driving out there. Duane and I discused going in his
car, but ultimately he decided against it. This would be his first Burn
and he seemed pretty overwhelmed; fair enough. My van, well, I still
haven't got it. Driving out would take a long time anyway, and the event
starts tomorrow.
8-25-2000, 11:17pm
It's a sad situation when I find myself swtiching between Frankenstein Conquers the World and Strip Poker on USA. Actually, Strip Poker appears to be one of the sillier American game shows. I think I may have scared off the guy from Michigan. That's okay though, as I've found a guy from upstate New York: Duane. He posted a message on one the Burning Man message boards today in the early AM and I got back to him earlier this evening. He emailed me back and almost immediatly (as in I'd had time to read about two lines of his email) called me on the phone. He sounds like a nice guy. He's done a lot of long distance driving in the past, and learned to drive stick earlier in the year. I sent him the same barrage of warnings I'd sent to Michigan guy, but that didn't seem to phase him; phew! So, I'll call the mechanic tomorrow (Eris, they'd better be open on Saturdays!) and find out just how my poor lonely bus is doing. Then I'll call up Duane and we'll figure out what to do from there. My moods improved for the moment, but my boredom still remains; I guess I'll delve back into one of the many books I'm partially through.
8-25-2000, 7:05am
Damnit, Lee, when you say you're going to call: call!!
Are there any other ways I can get out there? Greyhound, I suppose. But
what about all my food and water?? Last year I had Hugh to help me out,
and I was in Reno early. How would I manage this year? I don't know.. So, I looked up this drug Paxil earlier. It's supposed to help with "social phobia". I figured it'd be cool to have a pill I could swallow any time I needed to make a serious phone call or talk/perform in front of people or anything else like that. I don't think it's what I'm after, though. It seems it's intended more for constant medication, on the order of lots of weeks, daily. I don't want to be drugged all the time; I want a temporary drug. Besides which, it's contraindicated to MAOI's and certain more spiritual substances which I wouldn't be averse to indulging in require a temporary MAOI in order to do their thing. Paxil says not to use it and an MAOI within 2 weeks of each other in either direction; I can't plan that far ahead. Whatever, I've survived this long being myself. I'm really getting to hate this frustration.
8-25-2000, 3:43am
I guess I've been making my frustration kind of appearant. How about some somewhat positive stuff. If all goes well, my poor sick van will be released from the mechanics care and back into my own tomorrow. I'm crossing the fingers in my head.. or something to that effect. Also, I may have found a passenger (if I didn't scare him off with my email of many warnings about my van and my skills with it) from Michigan. Damnit, even my good notes rely on hope and things basicly beyond my control, so they may well also turn out to be further (or contuing) frustrations. Blast! I'm getting so tired of putting all my energy into things based upon hope and faith, and then having them totally fail to fructify.
Hmm, seem to have lost my positive spin there. How 'bout this?: I went to
Chuck E Cheese tonight. My whole family did, that is to say. T'was fun. I
like ski-ball and I like this racing game by Sega whose name I can never
remember (not a 'Cruising' series game) which I play against my brothers.
Hmm, what else.. I finished my shoes, finally. I've been working on
reconstructing two pairs of old Converse Allstars into one pair. Actually,
I basicly just tore the tongues from a blue pair and replaced them with
the torn out tongues from a red pair. But this involved sewing them on by
hand, through plastic and such. Any time the string would break, I'd put
the project off for a month or so. I finally finished 'em tonight. They're
my slick (but grungy) patriotic shoes, being all red, white, and blue and
such. The right one I even laced up horizontal stripe style, and I drew
red stripes curving along the white toe and around the white bottom
edging. Ain't I the clever one. I'm thinking of playing with a patriotic
type look; of a sort. Ya know, flags and said colors on clothing; but not
tacky tourist stuff. Hippies managed to pull it off, back in the day..
Mmm, yes, but now I'm actually physically tired and I must be off to bed
(being as it's half a foot away, this task is hardly daunting).
8-24-2000, 2:56pm
I want to sleep. I'm not at all tired, but all I can think to do is sleep.
Sleep untill something happens.
8-24-2000, 2:31pm
So, what expenses has my unfulfilled wanderlust accrued for me so far? Time will tell. But based on my present situation, I'd say time is going to take as long as it wants before it gets around to said telling...
8-23-2000, 9:46pm
I've decided it'd be fun to send postcards and such to people around the country while I'm traveling. If you want to be added to my list of people to write to, even if I don't know you, email me your address as soon as possible. I'll be hitting the road for Burning Man pretty soon, so you'd better hurry up; though I expect I'll continue with it during my travels beyond Burning Man. My family went to have dinner with my grandparents tonight. They're new old people appartment is really nice. Very spacious and well designed. We ate in the buildings dinning room. My grandparents made reservations (! weird..) and dressed up all formal. The food was pretty good, though we had to keep trading plates around to get the right things to the right person. The meal cost gets charged to their account, I guess. It was really neat seeing all the different types of walkers out there. I think my grandfather has one of the coolest; it's got wheels, brakes, and a seat, and it's red and black! I really want to look like my grandfather when I'm old; he just looks so friendly and cool. Courtney told me she thinks that I will; I'm happy :)
8-23-2000, 3:01am
Well, I still haven't left yet. My van is still in the shop, but it's coming along. The oil leak was not the drain plug, as Tong had told us it was; stupid.. waste of time.. grrr! The new mechanic, Lee Nestor, found the leak and plugged it (was it the gasket that Chris had mentioned?). Appearnatly vacuum hose had also blown off, and another one needed some work. They've fixed that. They also replaced the alternator belt. So far it's at about $300 dollars, I believe. They've ordered the boot jacks and will have them in tomorrow or maybe the next day. Hopefully I'll be able to get them to fix the side door and replace the headlamp whlie they're at it. Also, he said it's backfiring and suspects it's something to do with the spark plugs, so he's working on that. I'm overwelmed... I bought food tonight. Lots of food. About $123 of food. I don't have the receipt on me right now, but some of the stuff I purchased: a bigass bag of rice(!); a five pound bag of spaghetti; a bunch of other pasta noodle things; a big tin of instant mashed potatoes; a couple big things of Kool Aid poweder; a box of Oatmeal Cream Pies (!) and some other snacks; six packs of Top Rammen (sp?) Oriental noodles; some good smelling seasoning; a really big thing of powdered rice milk; some cereal; four or five little (medium-little) spiral notebooks and a bag of pens; margarine; a can of spray on butter (?? how weird!); head and stomach pills; a few cans of soup (eek, I still don't have a can openner..); a set of messuring cups; a big thing of raisons and other dried fruits (same brand as last years melty trail mix :) ); toiletries; a loaf of bread; and a plastic water bottle for the gerbils, to replace the last two glass ones which I broke. I'm sure there was more, but I think that's a pretty good list. Oh yeah, and when I got wrung up the machine wouldn't accept my debit card, in credit or ATM mode. Worrying, considering it's the only card I use and I was counting on still having $1500 in the bank. It wouldn't take Courtney's either. I had to get cash from the ATM across the store and come back with it. Ahh well, it all worked out in the end. I've emailed three people who posted on the Burning Man message boards that said they needed rides out from this area. Two of them have responded, saying they've gotten some last minute rides, but thanks anyway. It really would be convenient if I were driving with someone else. Having another driver could literally get me there twice as fast and the contribution towards gas costs would be much appreciated as well. Doesn't anyone who reads this thing want to join me?? Please?!
8-17-2000, 4:58pm
Hooray for my mom and her ability to make things work! So, as illustrated below, I was upset with the mechanic that has my van and not feeling very encouraged. My mom called up Wanda, one of the sellers whom I bought it from (Chris, her husband, being the other) and she also thought that it was rediculous that he couldn't find a plug to stick in the hole. She said her brother has a shop and knows VWs well (and has even worked on this one in the past; how wonderful!) and is trustworthy ('few!) and stuff. So, tomorrow we'll get the van towed to his place and we'll pay Mr. Tong $35 for looking at it. Now I'm happy :)
8-17-2000, 3:27pm
Ugh, dealing with mechanics is no fun.
8-15-2000, 4:03am
Damn, but TetriNET is addictive! So, to my grandmother I'm "funny". Courtney, as always, remains Not Funny :) The mechanics checked out my wonderful bus but haven't reported what they expect things to cost; they need to find the prices for the silly ol' parts that my funny lil' van needs to stay alive and happy. They should be getting back to us tomorrow (today) at some point; I'm very eager. They said something about the engine leaking oil. It would seem like the oil pan would be easy to prevent from leaking oil, so it seems like the engine's the only other worky-bit that uses the oil and could leak it, but the report still managed to alarm my mom and so I'm hoping all is well(able) with my poor, sick carriage. I hope the cost to repair her isn't too high, but, as for it's necessary nature, I expect there isn't much control I can exercise over that. I'm excited, at any rate. I got my Burning Man Survival Guide in the mail today. I can't wait (or at least, the sentiment thereof)!
Additionally exciting: my dad will be home from Albania for a short while
in the near future. I forget the actual date he's arriving, but it's
within a week of now. Yah!
Oh yeah, and I've bought a new laptop. Well, new to me anyway. It's a p120
and it hasn't got a floppy or CD drive in it. Unless I borrow or buy one,
this'll make for some very interesting jury-rigging to get Linux running
on it. I imagine I'll take that interesting route. The thing is
white and wonderfully hideous and I should have a good time decorating it
and helping it with it's makeup. That's for later though, as I haven't
even seen the laptop myself yet (as such, I haven't had an oppertunity to
get to know it and name it). I bought it by proxy of Hugh, from someone in
Ithaca. I'll probably pick it up on my way to Nevada (my, now that's not
in the right direction!). As such, I'll just use Win98 for keeping journal
entries out to, at, and back from Burning Man (or I could just write them
in a physical journal....), assuming I manage to keep up with such. It's
not like running Windows is going to be some great burdon on me, anyway; I
do still use it for Sanctuary, my primary work station, and it doesn't
make much difference what OS I'm using if I'm just keeping up a
text journal. I'll probably just boot into DOS after kicking the system
clock down a few notches in the bios to conserve battery. Which reminds
me, I've got to look into that auxilliary car battery. And I noticed that
even with the battery I have, there are no cigarette-lighter style DC
power jacks.
"I had a dream
8-13-2000, 2:12pm
Well, I got the van to the mechanics. Sort of. I drove it to church today
and all went well with the drive and I can tell that I'm very much
improving (though I'm far from great) and I feel pretty confident about
driving out to Nevada in a couple weeks. Then, on the way home, it started
to really shimmy and jitter (behaving in very much the same way as the
Belly Bus (which came along for the ride); but without Scooby in the
passenger seat) in an unhappy way, and made a sort of 'putt'ing sound when
I (tried to) accelerate. Eventually I had to take it off the road, as I'd
run out of downhill and it had run out of motivation. So, being about a
mile from home, Darcy walked the rest of the way to deliver the news. My
mom came in her (modern) van and eventually a tow truck showed up (free
towing with our insurance, yah!). They're taking it to the mechanic I
needed to get it to anyway. So, as long as nothing terminal is wrong with
it, I guess things worked out okay.
8-10-2000, 11:49am
So, is anyone going to want a ride with me to Burning Man? Let me know...
8-10-2000, 9:47am
I think that I had a dream last night where Jeff (from Burning Man) apologized to me. I imagine that's a good sign regarding my coping with it all. I drove some more last night; Courtney came along. First we drove up to the village center to get gas. I stalled once getting out of the neighborhood and then once more about 5-10 feet from where I wanted to stop by the pumps, but I managed to drift in neutral to a good spot. Then it stalled coming up this steep little hill exiting the center and it took like six tries to get it going again. Finally, I got out of there and drove us to the parking lot for the local pool with relatively no trouble. I drove around that lot many times and practiced stopping, parking, and reverse. I'm definitely getting better. In particular, I've begun to get the hang of stopping the vehicle without it dieing. It's not a habit yet, but I'll be able to cultivate one by the time I need to leave for this years Burning Man (and if not, well, sorry whomever has to drive behind me when I have to stop). Once I'm going, I'm not bad. I can shift between second and third just fine (rarely touching reverse instead of second). Courtney tells me that I have to help her buy a manual sometime in the future and teach her to drive; though I think she'll be getting something a tad more modern than my bus. Oh yeah, hopefully I'll be taking some Poleroids soon, which I'll scan and put up on here :)
8-9-2000, 12:22pm
Mister Rogers is my hero.
8-9-2000, 6:26am
Driving stick is fun; but still very hard! Gads, how am I going to get it to the mechanic for repairs? let alone even to the gas station to fully fill the tires? Will I ever be able to bring it to a stop without the engine dieing? What a great little bus! :)
8-8-2000, 9:08pm
Driving stick is hard!
I own a car!!!
Okay, so I've sort of avoided writing about my progess with the bus. I wanted to figure out just what was happening before saying too much, as things kept shifting back and forth. The sellers took the van to my mom's mechanics on Friday, who got back to us on Saturday. The van does have some problems. Namely, somethings screwed up with the axel boots, or something like that (I don't have the sheet they gave us; my mom has it at work), which shouldn't be an expensive part to replace, but the opperation'll probably cost a bit. Also, it has a major oil leak; hopefully we can get that fixed, which'd reduce it to a mild-to-moderate oil leak (it being an old VW bus, that's about the best one could hope for). There was some other stuff, but I'm exactly sure what. Other than that, it's got a dead headlight and blinker light, but I'm not especially worried about that expense. The asking price was $1800; they said that $1300 would be the lowest they could possibly go. I don't want to spend more than $2000 on the vehicle and repairs altogether. My mom called them from work (she's a much better talker than I in serious matters; particularly over the phone) earlier today to do some business for me. My offer (by proxy) was $1300, and if that they didn't like it, then $1300 plus the difference if repairs came out under $500 (thus I'd end up spending at least $1800 all together..). Fortuneately, they're very nice, cool people, and said: okay, $1300, but I should keep whatever money is left over to keep me going once I'm on the road. Wow! I love these guys, they're so wonderful! So, it looks like I'm buying a bus! :)
I feel compelled to link to Patrick Saunders' website, after seeing that he beautifully refered to STF as "growing insanity", enticing a few folks to come witness my progress. I've never actually met him, but he knew of Persiflage long ago and I've occasionally looked in on Unspoken.org for some time as well. He was even one of the first people to sign up on VAXination. Umm, okay, that'll do. Oh wait, also, he used the word Saturnalia in his site's title; considering my page is called Persiflage, you might guess that I like obscure but well used words (some day I'll type up the contents of the post-it note I've got in my little dictionary, with about 100 fun words covering it completely). I'm going to check out a van this evening! I'm so excited! It's a '78 VW bus and from the sounds of it, it's in really good condition. My mom discovered it when going to lunch (oh yeah, she's working again, at some construction place doing secretarial type stuff) at a nearby shopping center. She was just going to check it out in the lot before even noticing the "for sale" sign. She called the owner last night, and arranged for us to check it out today, at 6pm. It's got a new clutch, new brakes, rebuilt engine, and other stuff I don't understand but sounds good. It passed inspection in Virginia in May, which is good, since VA appearantly has somewhat strict requirements. It's been a little bit camperized. It has some sort of fold out bed or something; I'll understand that when I see it, I guess. It's got power and water intake jakes, but not sink or oven or anything; but that would make customizing it with such things much easier. So, yeah, I'm psyched :) I'm sort of redesigning Driftwood (I dig the name!) a bit, to make it more usable by people other than myself. There are certain protocol-like details I need to work out and then hopefully I'll have an early production model to show off on this server. Hmmm, I should be sleeping...
Well, I'm back again. Actually, I got back yesterday (Monday) morning, around noon. I figured out how to use cruise control on my way up to Ithaca and also took advantage of it coming back. It feels like cheating, but I like it. Definitely makes me feel more confident when there's someone driving behind me that I don't need to speed up for them, I know I'm going a good speed. It actually only took me like 6 hours, too, all within the speed limit, which is really good time. So, I got up there on Saturday morning, 6am or something, and made my way to Risley, the dorm Hugh's been living in. It's amazing how I can find my way from Northern Virginia to a particular location in Ithaca, New York, yet I can't very well get around locally in either place (at least, I don't let myself think I can). Anyway, I reached Risley and called Hugh on the intercom thingy to come let my into the building. He's all tired and clad in just his boxers, but only like one other person is living there during the summer. It was really great to see him again. This was also my first chance to see his Risley apartment since he'd been living there. It's nice and big and has cool pipes running around all over the ceilings and sometimes down the walls. It also has a tendency to not shut up; constant noises of all sorts, sorta creepy at first. It was great being in Ithaca again. We got DP Dough! Ahh, how I've missed it. We rented Hackers on Saturday night. What a fun movie. It got Hugh on this big need to be trendy kick, very entertaining. It's kinda strange watching it again now that I'm familier with Angelina Jolie. Ahh, but I too want to be those characters myself. We listened to electronic music and put together some new Netrunner (great game! track down some cards and give it a shot, now!) decks (we each, literaly, have so many thousands of cards...) and played for a while. Intense games, both of us using some totally new stratagies. Only played two times, winning once each. He won well in the first game. I won the second with some really fun tricks, but it was very close at the end. Then we talked for a while, about plans and stuff. It was really good. On Sunday, when we finally got up, we visited Sarah and Ian (KTZ!). Actually, we tried to on Saturday as well, but they weren't in. Finally got to see where they're living. I like their place, even though they complain; but I really liked the house. I've missed them and it was great just chillin with 'em for a while. Got to play with the ferrets too; what wonderful, spastic creatures! I hadn't even met Dweezel or Red Beard yet; Fatso is yet larger than before and very sweet, and Slinky is still nuts. Ian played with his musicy toys for a while, impressive stuff, wish I could do it. Then we had to depart to meet up with Ari and Alex. When we finally met with those two, we went again to College Town Video (Sarah's a manager there now!) and finally, after much deliberation, ended up getting four videos for the price of one (Sunday they do two for one, plus they have a movie trivia question that can get you a free rental, and the guy working there (friend of Hugh's, I believe) told us the answer and gave us the prize; yah!). We ended up with Go, Freeway, The Opposite of Sex, and Aliens 4. We watched 'em in that order. (First, we went to get snacks at a little convenience store, where I discovered Jones Soda; what a find!). Hugh and I had already seen Go, but it's just such a wondefully fun movie. Alex and Ari's reactions were hillarious throughout it. Only Hugh had seen Freeway, sort of; Ari and Alex discovered that each of them had independantly seen the same chunk of it towards the end. Icky movie; had some amusing stuff, but lots of unpleasantness. With Opposite of Sex Hugh and I had already seen it (together, even) but neither of them had. Great movie, even if Hugh and Alex overanalyzed it afterwards. Martin Donovan is simply awesome. Then we ate rice and played with Ari's skateboard for a while. I had to leave before Aliens 4 (I've seen it a few times already, anyway), as it was about 5am. So, after a quick trip to the snack machines, where Ari pulled a bunch of cans through the drop slot of the soda machine for all of this (several, for me), I headed out. Hopefully I'll be able to get back up there again soon. Later, guys! :)
I'm about to drive up to Ithaca. I'll be back by Monday.
Oh yeah, I might go to Ithaca this weekend and/or next.
Driftwood! I think that might be the name I'll use for the web journal software thingy that I'm writing. Full credit to Ian for coming up with it. Actually, I like the name so much, I'm thinking of useing it elsewhere, as well. Perhaps I'll use it as the name of my journal (not just the software) while I'm on the road; seems appropriate. Also, I looked into driftwood.org (and com and net..) to see if it was available, but alas, it's take. However, it expires in approximately one month, and their web site really makes it look like they're not using it, so I sent off an email to the person who registered it, asking her if they plan on renewing it. So, I'll possibly have that domain as well as this one in a month (if I even still feel like it..).
How long can I drift along in this daze? How many more days can I spend like this?, awake for several more hours each cycle, but lucid for.. how many? I have dinner. I watch News Radio. And otherwise, I mostly drift through this cozy fog. Absorbing endless data - whatever happens to suit my fuzzy fancy - but how well I'm encoding it as long term memory is hard to say. Sleep deprivation, as I understand it, does make such important brain functions get a bit sticky. And my throat hurts, but in an odd way. It's not (particularly) soar on the inside. I feel it more as part of my neck. My lymph nodes (right?), I imagine, but it's odd that they ache essentially independant of my internal throat. Whatever. I don't know what's going on around me, why should I know what's going on within me? Or something like that.. Geez, I'm tired. And hot. It's so hot in my room! I think I was even sweating earlier, while lieing in bed reading. Hmm, maybe I actually have a fever or something. That'd suck. Again, "whatever". I'm just so tired.
I've really got to break this habbit of reading this terrifying book in the middle of the night. Though it does make dawn that much more welcome, I'd rather be able to get to sleep without feeling I need to wait for the sun to rise. (I can see the sky turning from black to dark navy blue now..) Actually, the book isn't all that's doing that. I've been having trouble getting to sleep quite a bit lately. And when I do finally get to sleep, I have the most vivid dreams. They don't seem to be about anything in particular (they're not scarry, generally (except of course the occasional recurance of some sort of (fatal?) auto accident with me driving and losing control)). The characters in them are for the most part people I know; family and friends and such. The events seem to fit pretty well with physics; though there is a bit of time jumping (but hey, I'm used to that in most aspects of life). I don't even actually tend to remember a great deal of detail from them, but I do have all of those impressions. It's just the vividness that strikes me. That, and the difficulty in waking up from them. It's as bad as trying to get to sleep to begin with. Accepting this "reality" as real is quite a mental struggle and can leave me disoriented for quite some time after I actually do manage to wake up. Very disconcerting. I guess I should just try and enjoy it. After all, I make a point of going somewhat insane oftentimes. I want to experience many degrees and levels of losing touch with who I am and what I know, so long as I come back to being "me" soon enough afterwards. This was, I hope to have a very broad knowledge of what states of conciousness are available for me to draw from. Hopefully I won't completely lose myself on this quest. I asked Hugh if he would want to travel with me, doing the Greyhound Ameripass thing, but he had to decline due to logistical reasons. I want life to happen; I'm becoming exhausted doing the same things over and over to try and bring about the next stage, with nothing new coming of it. Does anyone have a van for me? Does anyone want to travel with me? Does anyone even want to see me? People do want to see me, I suppose. Hugh wants me to visit him. I want to visit Sarah & Ian and Sarah & Jascha. I want to see Nik and Devon. I want to spend more time with Margot and Davin. I'm sure they want this too; but that's not making it happen. I'm lonely and lazy. Won't something please happen?...
I just saw the new Pokemon movie with my siblings. I love the series, the
jokes are so great. One of the best parts has always been Team Rocket, who
are certainly the coolest looking of the cast. And James is so wonderfully
queer. Courtney transcribed these wonderful lines from Team Rocket during
the movie:
I can't sleep. I feel like talking (writing), but I don't have anything in particular that I want to say. I've basicly finished cleaning my room. I'm truely amazed at how much space there is, and how much floor I've got. When everyone else in the house is no longer asleep, I'll vacuum my new found floor, which it seems to greatly desire. I'm eager for Courtney to get a bed from my grandparents (Monday, I think) so I can move her mattresses into my room and rearange my other furniture to make this a wonderful hangout (for me, anyway..). Tomorrow (today, whatever..) I'm going to my grandparents house to say goodbye to it. They're moving to a fancy home place very soon. It's strange, the thought that after tomorrow that house will only be a memory for me. It's always been an element of my life; perhaps not a prominent one, but definitely a consistent one. I remember sitting at the little yellow and orange "kid's table" in their house or on their patio or in their back yard, with Courtney and Kathy (my cousin). I've never spent more than about three consecutive years in a single country in my entire life, so I think I'm somewhat fond of the elements that have managed to remain relatively stable in my mind over the entire time. Tomorrow afternoon, it'll be "goodbye house". I miss Hugh. It's been far too long since I've really spent time with him. We've shared some of the most profound moments of my life and I miss that immensely. I have a headache. A short while ago I was a master of the universe and transcending all spacial bounds; but now my head just hurts and I'm simply sitting in my (clean) room. I'm guessing the strobe light may have contributed to this discomfort. Ahh, well. I don't know what I should be doing right now. I've had enough cleaning. I can't sleep. If I read the book I've been reading, I really won't be able to sleep. I want to keep the lights to a minimum. I want to be mellow and relaxed (as I basicly am), but not bored. I don't feel like programming or watching crappy latenight infomercials. I don't have a car, nor have I got anywhere to go. I don't have any friends I could talk to or hang out with this late. I don't feel like playing dressup with old rediscovered clothes (as I was earlier). I think that I want to have someone here with me. I think that perhaps I'm lonely. I wish I were with someone now. I've been thinking more about the greyhound thing I mentioned earlier. It seems like it would just be such a great adventure. Right about now, I need to have an adventure.
From the almost complete lack of human communication of been dealing with recently, I guess I won't be going cosmic bowling this weekend either. Davin seemed to be the only person who might be able to go, and that would have to be tonight not tomorrow. Alas, the place that holds it tonight is not nearby, over some unhappy big roads, and, regardless of that, I don't have a car anyway. Courtney took the red station wagon to Ohio to visit Lana for a couple days. As mentioned before, the grey station wagon is dead. Oh well, nothing I can do about this, I guess. I feel tired. I've been up for about an hour. I slept for about 9 hours. This is not good. I've been eating well (as in not poorly) and taking vitamins and doing some walking and such; but I still feel tired. I think it may be more from bordom. I need to do something. I need something to do. Hugh (presently hugh.editthispage.com; go now, quickly, and read his mind) recently mentioned a Greyhound pass that could be used for a length of time instead of for a particular trip. I checked into it on their [unholy] web site [of lies and deceit] and sure enough, they have a system called Ameripass. I want one! They're hardly cheap though, I'm afraid. But it would be so wonderfull to be covered for virtually limitless travel for a month or two. In addition to the adventure of the traveling itself, it'd be a great way for me to search out vans outside of my area. I particularly want to check 'em out in Arizona and Nevada and like places, where they won't have been comsumed by rust. Then, once finding one, I could hang around that area while I learn to drive stick, and then return to traveling, but having full control over the destination (as I've been planning for oh so long..). I could probably sell the Ameripass off so someone at the greyhound station too, for a fair return. This would be soo wonderful and just make my year. But I don't know that I could bring myself to spend the money on it ($429 for a month; $599 for two); damn capitalism. What a great adventure it would be..
I'm cleaning my room. This is weird and unfamilier, but going well. I started off by putting 3 computers, 2 monitors, and a few keyboards into the basement. That's given me a bunch of room to work with. Maybe I ought to do something with the 3 laundry baskets; but all of them are full (one has all the clothes I actually wear, in various degrees of cleanliness; one has various articles that have left my main clothing cycle; and the third.. I'm actually not sure, an even older degree of fasion, I suppose). I've been sorting through all the great quantities of scraps of paper all over the place, determining what I want to keep, what I can recycle, what I can throw out, and what I have to give to the gerbils - to make bedding of - due to the confidential nature of the content. I've also stuck up many more CDs on my wall, as I come upon them under layers of stuff. It all seems to be coming along really well. In the past, my feeble efforts generally just involved grabbing papers off my floor and sorting through them on my futon, and then eventually shoving them back onto the floor when I want to sleep. My room'll be such a great hangout once I'm done. Actually, I think it already was, people just had to get used to the gymnastics required in finding a soft spot to point ones foot towards after leaping or vaulting over a mound of more precarious stuff. I enjoyed it, at any rate. Now I just need friends to actually spend time with me...
Earlier today (about 12 hours ago, or so, I imagine) I had something I really wanted to write about in here. I wish I could remember what it was. Perhaps it was my feat (not feet; though I love being barefoot as much as possible) in the kitchen. I cooked! And something other than macaroni or microwave food (or grilled cheese, or the other relatively simple foods I always forget I know how to make). I cooked pasta; these cheese filled noodle things. And then, I made my own sauce! It was some sort of white sauce, made with milk and flour and garlic and a bit of other seasonings, in whatever proportions I felt like adding. And it was good, too! Yah me! (yeah, I'm kinda proud...) Now, what to make next... I need a van. Burning Man is in just a little over a month, now. I need stimulation. I'm soo bored and quickly slipping (back) into a world of slack and laze. Where'd my initiative go? I certainly haven't been smoking or drowning it. I'm just missing something, and I need to figure out where I left it, and what it is...
I'm soo bored!! Does any want to go Cosmic Bowling with me on friday or saturday??? Please?!
I love coding! I printed out some hardcopy of the journal system I'm creating. I've been jotting notes on what to change for the past four hours (with my new pen, yah!) (amidst watching TV and talking and stuff) and I think that it's looking realy good! All the functionality is working it's way into the right places (I'm not against order..). All sorts of cool features are being implemented; even a bunch I'm not planning on taking advantage of myself. I'm continually making it more customizable; even though I'll only need a single customization. It's some beautiful code. And anyone will be able to use it and make it work in just the way they want it to, once I release it publicly. I guess I have to figure out the license I want to stick on it. I want individuals to be able to use it, but if someone wants to set it up on a site to make money (through ads or whatever) I think I may want in on that. As for the counter I wrote; it seems it's still got problems. I thought I'd fixed it, but appearantly my error-log had just stopped updating. The bugs aren't big, but they are elusive. Just the same, it's running pretty well and the number should be pretty accurate.
The car broke down. It had been threatening to. This was my parents grey station wagen. I was out with Davin and Margot and her friend Ricky. We went to Friendly's and then I was driving Margot and Rick home, and the transmision started acting up, lurching occasionally. Then, when a red light turned green, I stepped, it growled, and we sat, stationary. Blinkers on now. When the cars behind me had gone around, Rick and Davin got out and pushed. I reved and sat, and reved and sat, and steered a bit. We took it around the corner to the right, so we wouldn't have to push it through the intersection, and made it to a bit of a downgrade. They hopped back in and after a little coasting, the gears met back up with each other, with a lurch, and I was in some semblance of control again. Crap. Now how do we get to Margot's house without stopping or slowing below like 15. We did a pretty good job of watching lights way ahead of us and turning whenever we saw that we wouldn't make it. Somehow, however, we ended up on Fairfax County Parkway - traffic with no shoulder and lots of lights. We got off that as soon as we could and then, alas, we hit a light that wasn't glowing in our favour. As we feared, we couldn't get moving again. The three of them pushed it the boat onto the road to the right (several light changes would've occured in the course of our action if we'd tried going through the intersection). It was only two lane, but there was a good amount of space on the side and, with the help of two nice stranges also pushing, got a safe distance from the corner. One of them had a cell phone and so we got parental help and they got a tow truck and we got some rides. An interesting experience; an intersting morning.
Why must I think about Jeff (from Burning Man) so often? It's such an unpleasant memory. It's like an actual scar in my brain. The little scar on my index finger, just a lasting physical element of the memory. I can't get rid of either. At least it's become very rare that I actually feel the scar on my finger; but I see it so often, and I always know it's there. I think that I've relived elements of that time almost every night of the past week or two. Namely the blood and the cuts, of course. I hate cuts. They make me ill. At least they do when they invade my thoughts and fill my vision. I wish that would stop. I guess I could feel angry. It's like my brain has been violated. It's been forced to endure a painful trauma and now I have to live with it. I guess it wasn't exactly forced; but the alternative would've been worse. The alternative, even if I never knew the outcome myself, would have had him winding up dead. I'm a fucking hero. So, I guess losing my mind and retreating from the world for a little while each day is the battle wound I've earned myself. Beautiful. This sucks so much. I can't control what he did, and I'm very proud of what I did. In fact, (and I deserve to be conceited and egotistical here) I think I did everything perfectly (except maybe the acid bit) and that I went far beyond what others would have done. I was amazing.. So why do I feel guilty? I did nothing wrong! I saved his life! Why do I have to endure this sense that I failed? Why do I have visions of failing? Why does it feel like he's dead? Why do I have to remind myself that he isn't dead? Why do I have to relive his attempt to be dead? Fuck. I even have parts of that memory that really amuse me. The cops walking back and forth past the urinals with body sensors, setting them off. Singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" in the police car with Jeff. The look from the customer inside, not having a precident for how to look, when I came back inside and explained very loudly to the clerk that "he tried to fucking kill himself!" while my hands dripped blood and I yelled at the other clerk to get me some bandages. I guess that one wasn't very amusing at the time. Actually, it's really not that amusing at all. The phone call home at 2am, sitting on the floor in front of the payphone, was pretty unpleasant. Knowing the seat I sat in in the police car was a very comfortable change from the two previous days on the greyhound (with a beautiful, broken, suicidal bastard), except that I couldn't enjoy it for the painfully tight handcuffs holding my wrists behind my back, as I appologized to the police officer in the event that I bled all over the seat, perhaps your medical technitians should have looked at me too! Whatever. Sometimes I don't know what to do except to wait until life stops hurting me.
Does no one have a van for me?!?
I've just set up a file to exclude search engines from cataloging certain pages on this site; namely those that I've moved elsewhere as well as the referer listing (it wouldn't be fair to draw people in with a list of inappropriate search terms; and people that do such things I dislike..). Okay, my story of this morning: My mom, my Uncle Dale, and I drove up to Baltimore to check out the '78 VW I'm been talking about, being sold by this cool grandfather named Dave. He's had it for a little over the year and used it to go fishing, but now his girlfriends inspired him to get a Jeep, so he no longer needs the bus. I'm not sure how to describe it. It looked great, even though it was in pretty bad shape cosmeticly. The front is kind of smashed in. The side door takes practice to shut well. The VW logo on the front is missing. Whatever... What about the physical, worky-bits? Well, the shifter is really loose. We took it out on the road, with Dave driving, and it was quite amusing to watch him jiggle the (amazing long!) stick into gear; occasionally slipping it into the wrong one (even reverse once, what a fun sound :) ) and uttering "c'mon Betsy". It ran quite nicely though (I noticed afterward that he'd left the engine compartment in the back open, hehe). It's interesting how high up the front seats are. He said the brakes might need new pads. The horn didn't work. The front turn signal light covers were cracked. These two things, and certain others, would cause it to not pass the safety inspection in Virginia; they don't need inspection in Maryland, but VA vehicles need it every year. Also, certainly a concern, the emergency brake doesn't work at the moment. The dents in the front get in the way of the mechanism that sets the brake. If the body were bashed back into place (or just out of the way..) it ought to work again. Dave was called off back to work (he's a tow trucker) and I looked at Betsy a bit more. The muffler was completely made of rust. He said that he had the front axel replaced recently, because it had gotten screwed up when he hit the curb a while back. He said something about the bits connecting it to the rest of the vehicle were all rusted up. I'm affraid a great deal of the underside between the muffler and the front axel may be rusted. Certainly, to get this vehicle on the road reliably, and get it to pass the VA safety inspection, would take a lot of investment of time, effort, and money. Damn. Oh well, I'll keep looking.. It was definetely a learning experience though. It was nice to just get a feel for the size of it. I could definetely set up a nice, comfortable, residence inside one (after taking out the back seats and refitting it all my way!). Since I'm going to be doing so, it's good to feel reasured. It was neat looking at the engine. I've got to learn to maintain these things. The whole system of the vehicle really appealed to me. The wiring and such is so simple and clean. Or if not exactly simple, then not unnecessarily complex. Very different from modern cars. There was no fancy dash. There was no encasement of the wiring and such under the dash in the front (allowing me to see exactly where the dent obstructed the emergency brake). It seems like it would probably be a relatively (...) easy task to wire in an auxilliary battery (yah!) and setup new internal lights and stuff. I was left very pleased with the the general spaciousness as well as the very direct and functional construction. Hopefully I'll find one that I'll be able to afford in the slightly longer run soon.
I'm going to look at a van tomorrow! The '78 VW bus w/ sunroof that I mentioned the a week ago. I'm gonna go to Baltimore in the morning and check it out. I'm soo excited!!
Ugh, I really dislike leaving phone messages So, whould it require a legal name change to have my name "officially" be capitalized as "morgaN" (the way I write it anyway)? It'd be really great to have it printed like that on officially things; though I guess drivers licenses and credit cards and stuff capitalize the whole thing anyway. It might be a bit weird, too, to need to fill out things on forms saying my name has changed, and then basicly write the same thing for the new name; kind of fun though..
Jesus I've got to stop reading this book at night! I'm reading House of Leaves, by Mark Z. Danielewski; a book Courtney bought but has yet been too preoccupied to get into. I'm not even all that far into it; which is part of what scares me, the potential. I don't know if I'd feel comfortable recomending it to people either. It's terrifying!! Nothing concrete to be affraid of, either.. It manages to make things that you can't avoid or can't explain or don't think should be possible become the most frightening things. I don't think I like the feeling that the silence around me, right outside of my vision (or maybe in shadows) could be containing something sinister. I don't know what to make of a book that can make me practically start crying in empathic fright along with the characters. I wish I felt comfortable trying to sleep now. AAAArrrggghh!!!! This is insane!!! It's a book! It's a book dealing with impossibilities! And it's terrifying me!! I just wish that my vision would stop almost catching things and that the objects around me would appear to remain a more constant shape and size. eek.......
I've just created a Table of Contents for persiflage, where all the various pages of pictures and isolated rantings and whatnot can be easily accessed.
I've begun compiling a list of the search queries that land people around my site. I'll be keeping it updated as new searches guide unweary netizens to my domain. Also, a quick comment before I turn in: if I'm going on and on about some geeky babble, I don't exactly expect everyone to be interested. A lot of the time writing it out is for my own benefit; it helps me sort out my thoughts a bit. But be sure if you happen to be skimming that you don't blur past it too blindly; I often change topics suddenly and throw in some non-geek oriented ramblings amidst the madness.
As you can see, I've redone the look for this site. I just found myself inspired the other night while working on my new journal system (forthcoming..) and implemented it yesterday. I really like the way it came out! :) Also, Laura, thanks for the complements! I've still got to implement changes to VAXination and put up some more content in the Geek section, but I really like how this is shapping up. I went with my family to DC to see the fireworks on the fourth. Quite a show! It'd been a few years since I'd done it last; worth doing many, many more. We wandered around the mall and the surrounding areas of tourist-DC during daylight. We got some good food for free from the Krishna's. I really dig their music. We went by the Canadian embassy where they have this gradually curved wall with water constantly running down it into a grating below. Courtney and I got rather soaked, standing against it; quite fun! I want to go back there with friends sometime, on a warm day. Then we went to the Natural History Museum to use the bathrooms. I haven't been there in soo many years. We looked at the jewels and jems for a little while. Then it was back to the mall to pick out a spot near the Monument. As I said, the fireworks were very impressive. I love the ones that shoot out a bunch of golden thingies in a quick burst, and then each of those suddenly shoots out more golden thingies in random directions. They also had some that made peace signs and a couple smiley faces. Then, before it was over, the group in front of us got up and left, leaving a disgusting quantity of trash, including a diaper(!) even after my sister confronted them upon their departure. My mom was taking Chance to the porta potie at the time, but after the show, when people were picking up and dispersing, she cleaned up surounding waste. Yah, Mom! Then we walked 8 blocks to the metro (I believe there was a closer one, but Courtney presumed it impossible to realistically access it). The crowd at Metro Center was so amazingly huge! Looking down into it, we could see that every human was packed as tight as imaginable over the entire inside area, extending up the excallators, and then filling up the entire side of the streen surrounding the entrance. And this wasn't changing. We didn't want to put ourselves into this mess (Chance, seriously, could sufficate/be trampled, being the size he is). So after waiting for quite some time, we started walking to the next metro station... However, we quickly encountered the other entrance to Metro Center, which it seemed noone knew about. So, down we went on onto the train we piled. What a long, crowded ride, all the way to the end of the line; but we made it. Oh yeah, did I ever mention that Nik and I have declared each other apostles? I think we're also each the other's disciple. And don't expect us to start using those words properly now, either! I don't think Nik, Apostle of Virtuous Heresy, would appreciate such judgement.
I've been working all day on the system that I'm going to use for maintaining my online presense while I'm on the road. It's going seriously well. I've basicly finished the server-side programming and I'm really happy and proud of what I created. I may tweak the interface some more, though, but that's what appeals to me about it. I've decided that I'll use Sirius for maintaining the journal and reading email and stuff, since it'll have a much faster processor than the laptop and it's set up in such a way that I can add new tools to it much more easilly and succesfully. I'll connect the laptop to it (I've written some null modem connection scripts that'll work) so that I actually have a screen and keyboard, but all real work will be left up to Sirius. The two 4x40 character LCD screens for Sirius have arrived, which I'm thrilled about. However, now I've got all sorts of wiring to do to get them working and it's an area I have very little experience with. Hopefully I won't fry them. They really are pretty :) I've been rethinking how I'm going to power Sirius. I'd come up with the notion of having an auxiliary battery installed, and I still like that idea. Recently I've been thinking that having Sirius run off a secondary battery, rather than the one used to actually start the van, might mean the power won't dip (and spike) when the ignition is engaged and just during general opperations. I'm going to need a power inverter (12v DC (car) to 120v AC (house style)) for some of the stuff I'll be using (namely SugarHigh, the laptop) and perhaps I should just run Sirius off the inverter too. I wanted a direct DC to DC power connection from the battery before, but that was prior to the auxialery battery plans. If I went with the inverter (and used a nice power strip, for that extra bit of surge protection) then it'd be really easy to stick basicly any computer into the system. This should make this much easier. Ahhh, it's been a geeky week for me. Anything else I have to say would also be about computers... We've got a neighbor who is really cool and very connected in the Linux community. He took me to the local Linux Users Group on Saturday, which he happens to run. It was really interesting; I'm not used to being around quantities of people who even know what Linux is, let alone can have meaningful conversations about it. We talked about weird movies and stuff on the way back. Very cool guy; I've got to remember to email him sometime soon. Oh yeah, I called a guy in Baltimore about a '78 VW bus w/ sunroof. Looks promising. Now I've got to arrange to actually go check it out. Exciting stuff! :)
I'm soo enjoying SugarHigh successfully doing what I want it to! :)
My laptop project is coming along really well; Yah! I'm calling the
machine "SugarHigh". I've got it succesfully booting Linux (kernel 2.0.0
w/ libc5) from the harddrive. I'm used
Small Linux boot/root disks
to setup the system and I'm gradually personallizing what's otherwise a
direct copy of Small Linux. I'm now copying over a bunch of programs from
tomsrtbt, which are compiled for
libc5. I was going to just use a straight tomsrtbt disk arrangement to get
it going, but I couldn't get it to successfully boot off 'em. I've purged
that thought-space though and can't remember why it didn't work. I think
that it wanted to use floppys formated to 1.7M and the laptop doesn't like
that, and then even when I managed to sqeeze it down to fit on 1.4M, it
wanted more RAM than the little old laptop could give it. Small Linux
works without any ramdisks. I was also working on setting up my own tiny
Linux system that would worko without ramdisks, and it was coming along,
when I discovered Small Linux. The main problem with my attempts was that
I'm running a glibc (libc6 (I hope I'm getting these right..)) system and
all of my binaries are built for it, and I didn't really want to compile a
whole new basic system (I'd just done that with
Sirius, not long ago). But anyway, it's working now
and I'm thrilled :) !
Ooohh, Nik's page is up, Nik's page is up!! Check out Nik's page! Nik is awsome and stuff and deserves a whole pile of desciples of his own.
I think that my personal motto has changed; motto in a dictionary sense,
my dictionary describing such as "a phrase, or word, expressive of one's
guiding principle.". I use that in contrast to a more colloquial
definintion of something a person tends to say a lot (or is that just a
definition that I missed..). My motto used to be "be". I
acknowledged it with myself as a part of my philosophy at the time. It
changed some time ago, I imagine, but I only just noticed the change in
this context. Basicly, what it's become now is "create". This came
to mind just now, as I was reading a novel and came upon two characters
being contrasted in that one "just wants to be" and the other "must
become". I've been concious for a while now of my growing favour of
creation as a part of my guiding philiosophy; but I hadn't yet made the
connection with what it used to be. This is interesting for me; I like to
be aware of my development. Lots of people seem to not want to change.
Or they want to change certain things but ultimately be the same person. I
think this is one of the ways I'm `different'; I'm fascinated by the
prospect of evolving beyond what I even recognize as myself, though the
thought can be frightening, to be true. There is no essense of who I am (I
forget just now what philosopher I've read favoured this way of looking at
life (Korzybski?)), I am a constantly changing phenomenon... I like all of these definitions and they apply well to the concept in my mind which I'm having trouble coming up with words for. I (as with everyone, in my perception) am an abstract concept. My body and mind seem to exist and follow their own trajectories (I'm not trying to segregate them from each other, though). You could theoretically map the future based on the idea of everything following trajectories if you were to create a model complex enough, using a snapshot of everything and it's path. And this is an irritating philisophical hang up. You can't control your future because everything is set in motion already and you will do what you are predestined to do. Fortunately we've devised the concept of quantum mechanics, which goes and does for fait and predictability what Einsteins relativity did for Newtons physics. Oh, we can certainly predict things in a simple and functional way, but the concepts we've known are outdated and inaccurate, it seems. We can't, in fact (yet?), predict where everything is moving to because of some deep level of invisible and chaotic (appearantly true `chaos') decision making process in the fabric of all of everything. I'm not really sure how I got onto this tract, it certainly wasn't my intention when I got up from reading the novel I mentioned to start typing. All I had planned on saying was that I'd moved from "be" to "create" over some period of my life and I thought it was interesting. What I've been typing is actually some of the stuff that plays around in my mind a whole lot, but rather simplified in translating it into text and trying to not draw too heavily on the uncommon reading material I favour. Umm.. anyway, I'm going to get back to my book now..
Hurray for antibiotics! Yah Z-Pak! I went to the mall today with Davin and Heather. We all got virtually the same meal at Sbairo's (sp?); their yummy reheated Ziti meal deal thing, with salad and bread and stuff too. I got a different type of soda from them, though. Davin broke some toy at Natural Wonders; it was hillarious. It was this squishy ball that you sqeeze and it feels weird and stuff, and it exploded in his hands. He timidly tried to get our attention and when we looked we saw he had this mass of green ooze stuck between his hands and very slowly pouring towards the floor. What a messy boy. The employees brought him some paper towels when their attention was summoned, and they didn't make us pay for the ball (about $5), which was nice. We went to Victorias Secret and played with their various varieties of scents. I really love vanilla smell. Their stuff was generally too expensive though, so we didn't actually buy anything; we just covered ourselves in odors that didn't really mix all that well. We also mused over buying some of their discounted underwear for decorating the tent at church with. It wasn't really discounted enough, though. Oh well. We went to BrookeStones, where Heather and I lay on this really comfortable bed that slowly molds to your body, with really comfortable pillows that do the same for you head. I want one of those pillows. I could lie there for an hour just rolling my head back and forth over it's mutable surface. The tranquility was broken when Heather's dad came out of nowhere (so to speak) and barked at her with this amazingly loud yap; not indoor-voices with him when he's pissed. She had to go. Appearantely her mom was going somewhere in an hour or so and he wanted them to spend time with her, or something. She didn't know what he was talking about. Oh well again. Then Davin and I went to Another Universe where I found this crazy little bag decorated with Pochacco "The Cool K-9" stuff ("He's the hip pup with a cool attitude"). Some sort of japanese popculture thing I've never heard of, though Courtney and Austin seem to have some knowledge of it. I couldn't find a price on the bag, but I really wanted it. I've been looking for a bag for a while; something kind of small that I could take with me when traveling and while not in the van, to hold my notebooks and the Principia and any little trinkets I aquire. This seemed perfect. I asked the price at the counter and they first told me that they didn't even know where it came from. Then they said they believed it was from a set of product that had been returned (recalled?) to the manufacturer and it must've gotten left behind. Whatever; how much? Ten bucks and now it's mine. Two notebooks with pen, one misshapen marble, and one Principia Discordia. I'm ready for anything.
I got a black light finally. I've been meaning to get one for a while, and
now I've finally done it. It's returnable, too, in case it sucks. I've
played with it a little, but I'll wait till it gets dark before passing
much judgement on the thing. What would be really slick would be to get
this glow in the dark paint that Crayola makes and use that on at least
one of my walls. Glow in the dark stuff gets charged quickly by
blacklight, but it also seems to quickly lose that charge. The result
being that standing between a black light and a glow surface for a moment
leaves a really nifty dark silhouette on the surface; which begins to glow
again when you move out of the way. Davin and I went back to his place and talked about Linux and ways to jam the SOLs (seperate topics, not some weird opensource plot). He's planning on orchestrating some sort of resistence to the oppresive standardized testing next school year (he's in high school, by the way). He wants to get everyone to refuse to take the test, essentially. He's going to (theoretically) research polititions and statistics and general social behavior and write up propaganda to incite people to take a stand against this screwed up system. Hopefully it'll go well. That was most of what went on today. Or that which comes to mind right now. It feels good to be putting up another fair sized post on here; my recent things have been rather brief and not very close to my activities.
What else is going on...
Status update: not so sick anymore. Not much has been going on. I've just been laying about the house these past few days. I'm finally feeling somewhat capable again. I did manage to get a bunch of work done on Sirius, though, which pleases me; it's really coming along well. Not much else to write about though, since I haven't been doing much.
Still sick... This sucks.
Grooaaaaann... I don't want to be sick!! Crap! *grumble*
What is wrong with me?? Why am I soo tired!?! My whole cycle has gone out of whack and I keep sleeping through the night! I don't want to sleep through the night! Waking up in the morning is boring! Ugh.... I'm being healthy all over the place lately, it's nuts! I've been doing this yoga thing and actually keeping it up. Today I did 10 rounds (maybe 11, I lost count a bit) of this particular exercise thing, which I gather is about normal for regular practitioners. The first like 3 or 4 are a process, but after that I get into the rythm and it's actually pretty fun. I've also given up caffeine again; and carbonated drinks in general. I'm not banning it from my life, but I'm making a general point of not consuming it. I've done this before, but I was very much not living up to it recently. So I just stopped. I actually didn't suffer the nasty withdrawl it can bring about either, which seemed kind of weird but I don't mind foregoing it. This may actually have something to do with my not being up all night.. I've also been making a point of taking my vitamins, which can be easy to forget. What else... I've been excercising good posture, I think. I've been eating more regularly; as in I eat not long after getting up, rather than waiting half the day. I've been rather mellow lately, which I like. I'm usually pretty mellow, but I've actually been noticing it's degree recently. I've been drinking lots of water, which I like to focus on. Most of this actually isn't that weird for me by what I believe in and value, if you really know me, but I imagine it seems weird in relation to most of my personality. But really, it makes sense. It goes with my whole philosophies on drugs and responsibilities and stuff. You should be able to use your body and mind in whatever victimless way you choose and be fully responsible for any consequences. I think that taking care of my body and mind can make life much more pleasant. You're always "under the influence" of a countless number of things; I like to be in control of what influences my body and mind. I also think that if one engages in activities that may stress their body and mind, it's even more important to make sure that they are healthy and able to handle it. Anyway, I'm about to collapse. Gads....
I want soo very much right now to see a turtle happen through my yard as it travels along it's way. I find it a beautiful image. I want my programming inspiration to seriously perk up again. I'm being productive, but I haven't presently got the intensity that sometimes finds my typing hands and burning pupils late into the night. I want to find my van. I seem to be doing what I can in this search and it's just a matter of keeping it up and being patient now. I'm very eager, though. I want to figure out just what hardware I need to get for Sirius and then actually order it. This is something I can put more effort into in order to get more positive results. I wish to keep this in mind. I want to have another adventure. I often have adventures; a good number are relatively small, but still very important. I wish to have another one soon.
I want someone with whom to have adventures. I want more socks. I also want to know where all of my socks have disappeared to. I want to see people during the week who aren't part of my family. This should become easier soon, as my high school friends are at the brink of summer. I want to do more yoga and similar practices. I really like the Sun Salutation that I've begun doing and I intend to carry on with it. I'm interested in trying some of the techniques taught and practiced by Aleister Crowley. I want a couple books that he wrote. I should do something about this. I wish to keep this in mind and act upon it. I want to sit with all of my friends and be happy with them. Many of my friends are spread out across the country. I have them in my mind and they are with me. They're carrying on with their lives by their own decisions and I am very happy for them. They made me happy throughout the time I spent with them in my life. They still are a part of my life, though a somewhat different part. My friends are a part of me and I am happy. I want to continue to be aware of what it is that I want. I'm not likely to acheive it if I don't know what it is. I think that things are going very well for me and that I am doing a good job of meeting my desires. I wish to be sure that I keep this wonderful trend up.
Well, as you can see, I've decided to clear this page out. It was getting way too huge. I certainly didn't get rid of the old stuff, though! Please, if you haven't read all of it (it even has several entries today) go to it now! :)
ARCHIVE(almost 16 months of crazy ranting in one location! come an' get it!)
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