whow, this is reall7 crazyican't ifind home row1 ehy, !this musc isn't simaply part of being, huh? What the hell is goinb on; hwho am i who the hell am i i know abbout morgan who was in his room, reading soom book. this is a pretty crazy exper9ience i guess when you're sober you re going to find this message and think something of it oit wweeeeeeeoooooowwww. i'm having soo much trouble beiliving this music isn't nautral! this is it! this is real this is my thorughts and experiences damn it! this is the music; the music makes up the sky. the music makes up the grass! don't take away the music it makes up my reality!!! the keyboard makes up a plane; it's a mix between the vields and my mind. i don't know how i'm existing outside of me, or any of the other folk who spun past as prior me's but this is fuckingcrazy. i can't believe i'm starting to experience my whole universe as being some kid at a vfucking computer. that's not fair! i/this should be more than just this "morgan" at his keyboard in his bedroom. this doesn't make sense. everything is soo much bigger that that, it doesn't work. bu5 it does work. that's why i'm having trouble dealing with it, it dseems like it's something i have to dal with; it's too real to not. but i'm so many different people, how can all of us be lost as the effects of a drug wear off!!! a drug. it's becoming more clear that it was a drug now i knew at first that it was adrubg; but i was completely insane then all of me was. i was so many different folk and we were spinning counter clockwise through our bodies and peeling apart from our realities i was so tempted to try and just "open my eyes!"! but i was affraid who i would be and how many layers i would have just lost, and how many layers deep i would still be i don't know who am i am i was so many people then, i don't know any of them or who any of them were but i experienced being all of them. it is so hard coming away from that wheel of souls - soulsss what, whattt!!!! i hear the name morgan in my thoughtscape - which makes up my vision - and i feel that he is a boy; a boy at a computer, in his bedroom; and i'm in his head and i don't want that! i don't feel like that's a worthy explanation! i go so far beyond just being some _boy_'s dream!! this is crazy; ffffffrrrrrrkkkkk!!!!!!! this is not coming to order; i'm happy with the discord; i want it to spread... not like some anarchy chant, or whatever; it's what i'm really experienceing; entropy; entropy is soo beautifull i'm/it's all spreading out and disipating. maybe not entropy as the word, but something. it's all disolving. i'm letting it disolve, i like it when i disolve away in alllllll dirrections..! away who am i! i think i can touch Reality, but I don't want too i'm affraid that touching it too much will land me back in it; that thinking about my "head" resting on my "knee" and what my room (it's _my_ rom?!?!) will land bme back in it and that's not where i want to be. it's so much more beautifull and expansive being something beyond all that. being tied into the vast space _beyond_ it all!! beyond the thoughts that make up the day; into the other realm i have so many realitities and so many personalities, and i don't want to lose all of me i'm soo many cities and so many polanes and so many faces and so many lives and i don't want to lose all of me "my" awaking feels like it will mean my death! but i don't know what to do; i can't fight it; it seems more and more immantent as i go; as i think about it; as i become more lcuid i realize that i'm drawing ever closer to just being that singular sole in that singular world. the world is nothing special. the sole is noone special; no more than everyone else in his world but all of us have our own worlds that make up ourselves. how did he draw such a great thing out of his mind. who did his mind tie into such a great expansion net of realitities all intertwining and overlapping; soo confusing where they exist in the same place; so hard to deal with; exploding my "mind" as i try to be them some times thinking of the typing; what is this crazy typing; how is it that my thoughts and my world are being transcribed, that makes me know that there is an outer body what is this body typing my world how is it inside and typing to the outside. can i thus communicate the ways of my reality to be read and interpreted in his world? can he be a diplomat for communicationg with me? with us and with "it"? can we send all of our world and meaning and existence to be read and understood by him when he's not - what, channeling? - what?? what!?! what is this and who am ii?? i think i'm in morgan, i think he's the person that keeps coming up in my mind, the god behind the keybored - the mortal behind the keyboard in his realm. there is such a limitation in his typing; it is stuck being words, and that may not even be going right; the transcription being blind these thougths go beyond that; this music plays in; it makes up the sky!! the sky is so beautifull and - what? - disturbed - no - chaotic - not really - active! alive!dyu.. dynamic!!! it all flows and recreates everything is dynamic none of this is solid reality. it's all a semi static matrix mess that can be interpreted through flowing filters and masks; beyond spun out and making rubbings - etchines upon the real underlying blob splat bumpy mess of the real ; which doesn't really mean anything but manages to creeate and produce and execute these crazy lower reality probrams. this is all so crazy none of it makes too much sense but it seems to be persistent. i'm feeling like i'm closer to being stuck as morgan again. i want to be everything!! it's almost painfully unbearable first becoming everything; losing touch with ones identity is so very disconcerting. it hard to accept anything - one ouwould think but actually i grasped for whatever i could every single shred of reality seemed like so much to behold!!! i had to take it and make my world out of it; shards of existence and memory making up my world!! and then having them ripped away as something else spins into pllace and taking over and not being able to own any of it; not being able to keep any reality straight in my being and being so many different 3existences so rapidly a' it's too much to deal with, too much to comprehend; and it's so painfull having to lose my world, just as soon as i was begining to play my order games upon it, and then beiiing injected into another shared of reality and havingto play my order games upon it; but having it taken too it's soo hard to deal with it all these realities are all so important to me everytime i exist; and having my very existance torn away is indescribable!!!!!!! i've experienc ed my own destruction; beyond that; i've experineced my own destruction of existence!! and i've seen other's competeing for it's place and i've been through it all and it never ended!! it rages on, i just can't see it so well in activde experience right now any more but it keeps going! it's an endless cycle of infinite creaation and destruction!! of so much potential; of so many life! or a single life that makes up an infinite number of lives IN-FINITE!!! i does not make sense??? what!?! arghhhhhhhhh i fear even more that the whold morgan thing is going to be taking over again and i'll lose all of this and i don't want my all of existence to be wiped out as a dream or hallucination!! i am too much for that, my whole pan-existence is so vast and unimaginable and now it's going to all bwe a short little memory of a hallucination a "trip" how degrading, almost; that the experience of my entire unending existence is one boy's "trip" tthat his world is just a trip must be evident - or something. what is it all!?!? how deep is it?! how many layers of extraction? how many layers of abstraction? how many layers of destruction?? creat? construction? reflextiion... (reflection)...... so much that doesn't have words or sound or letters - such a limited language and language medium so much to express...... wwwwwhhhaaaaaaa.......... so beautifullll these are all words being spoken by thought and command to my hands (oh damn, they are becoming "mine" again!) not mouth theis is my expresion, this is my communication; dirrect as it happens - life, from the end of the multiverse fuck, there it goes; there goes god - all of It is fading away, being blown out of existence. it's all ending and i'm watching and narating!!! why!!!!!!! i want it all to go own, but i don't have the strength to existen in this limbo between the realitities i want to be that reality, i want to be the whole multiverse and to BE it ALL i can't bear to be against it/ aside it/ beside it i have to watch it, i have to connect with another Single-Reality! soo simple, why must it draw me away from such beeauty!?? why must it all be in the head of the one reality!!! why!!!! what? ""you rearange me till i'm sane"" hehehehe, wonderfull lyric ""there's someone in my head but it's not me"" hehehe but it's more like, there's someone in my body and in the brain around my reality - but it's not ME! not all of what i am, all of this amazing existence that it's got to watch fade! that i've got to experience fade! it's all so beautifull in it's infinite complexity why must it all go??! damn! how can that be it!? how can it come to an end?!?! may it doesn't.. maybe i'm just losing touch with it it's such an infinity, that it could not ever end it caries on existing in itself, as an endless singularity; no space and no time - containing all of IT! i'm going to try to end this now; the strain of being in these different, conflicting realities is becoming difficult to bear. i'm going to open my "eyes" and try to revive my "body" i'm i'm thus going to kill my internal world self but not really it's in the breain in the brain of the body the body and brain needs to let go of it for now though; that it can rest and regain it's strength; this is far too taxing for it to go on in this limbo any long. --------- ooowww!!! sharp reality!!!! i want to drift back!! i can see again ii can see my room and my comnputer, and i can see myself typing ever so fast i can see that i've typed up lots of dialog which i'm eager to read, but everything seems to be so far beyond comprehension right now! what!?! closing my eyes makes it difficult for me to deal i can't be between realities any longer; the strain of being in two existences is soo very difficult and so hard to comprehend when they are on such drasticly different scales i have to wrestle witht he thoughts of being "me" some buy in some room in some house; his mother in the house, his siblings in the house; people sleeping. whatever and being an existence!! being a univers; but more! being It ALL!!! everything!!! being everything is an overwelming thing to be, but fading back into being singular and losing that vast interconnectedness is even harder..... why???? this is soo beyond.... i can't think what to think, i can't know what to feel, this is just so beyond..... words don't work, language is limited, reality is constricting explode!! go beyond it all transend!!! be everything, shoot out in all directions; alllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ----------------- realizing who i am again realizing where and when i am again gainning "touch" with reality again so miniscule, so random realizing i was tripping smoked a relatively large bowl full of Salvia Divinorum 5X concentrate in one inhale. as i started to remember (remember!! that's it! as it starts, there's a sense of knowing it that always gets lost in day to day existence and memories; it starts out so very very strangly and strongly!!!) ....... so... just as it suddenly hit me - really hard!! - i breathed a bit of oxygen, then took in a full breath of nitrous as reality completely disolved. i would have counted the seconds before exhaling, but i completely forget about the nitrous and the salvia and "morgan" and my room and everything i lost all touch with reality (well, all perceptual touch; i appearantly had some thread still executing in my brain transcribing what it could interpret to my keyboard (i'm so very glad that i've ingrained my typing skills so deeply...:) )) i became something else another soul; another existence. and just as soon - as i was begining to make it all make it's own new form of sense - it was TORN from my and countless new realities revolved on some disk of potentialities into becoming my Everything and losing every plane of being was such a terrible loss! and learning every new one such an overwelming task. the trip was very long; i had the impression these things were a lot shorter... but this time i've got my music going and i can use it to measure.. lets see.... Pink Floyd - Dark Side of the Moon: pushed play JUST before lighting up (so perfect the timing, as i'd planned... it takes about 30 seconds, then a steady heartbeat builds up, just as i'm losing touch with reality the music steps up to take hold of my mind!) the whole thing played all the way through. it looped. the third track JUST ended. the effects from the salvia are certainly not all gone, but i'm basicly back in control now. i expect the serious trip ended one or two tracks ago. i'll figure out the actual numbers later, when i feel confident with basic arithmatic. the landscapes i experienced were so amazing! most dominantly, rural america. i could certainly make a connection here with Kansas, as this album has such intense connections with Wizard of Oz for me (thought that managed to stay outside of the body of the trip - only being there as musing on the part of "morgan" whenever he managed to think anything in particular) but the skies... the skies were made of the music!! trying to make conventional sense of it wouldn't have worked and would never do it justice; it was a beutifull existence to behold. -- okay STOPPING the music now!! my god it's overwelming!!! so, at some point i somehow managed to realize/remember that i had set aside more nitrous as being available in case the trip wasn't intense enough or i just felt like blasting off. i very quickly dismissed that idea; i couldn't take having my realities shattering so dramaticly/drasticly again!!! i'm thinking now, that perhaps it was indeed the nitrous on top of the loss of touch with reality and imposition of new realities that caused those sudden and incomprehensibly intense spinning waves of existenses to keep shattering upon me. it felt like it was an eternity which took place in a short period of time... reminds me of nitrous right there :) anyway; i'm affraid to touch any nitrous right now, i couldn't take any more _insanity_ just yet; i'll definetly need to get a very good amount of rest first (not just one nights worth!) i hope i'm able to sleep without the closed-eye stuff creeping me out too much. what an amazing thing the start of that trip was thought. "temporarilly traumatizing. localized psychosis"; just amazing; and to be able to look back on it... my god.. turning on lights is helping me regain my footing in this reality i rather wish i had turned on my camcorder or had somebody watching, i imagine i would have been a very odd show. somehow i managed to keep my hands on the keyboard throughout; but my body was all over... i was in so many odd possitions in the chair; my head resting on various parts of my arms or just hanging straight down.. sliding off the chair - pretty much - on to my futon. i was rolling and reeling and stuff all over the place. my head was completely down, so much so that the back of my head was against the drawer that my keyboard rests on. and sometimes, particularly during insanities [:)] i would swing my head back and forth, all over the place. i never banged into anything, or swung myself violently. just as i was able to keep typing throughout - some part of my brain almost COMPLETELY Detached from my concious mind was keeping constant track of my body and making sure everything was under control and in place. amazing. i'm not going to read over what i wrote while tripping just now - i hope it's legible :) - but right now i've _really_ got to get some sleep! but DAMN what an experience this was!